Finding Peace (through the stages of grief)

The concept of "stages of grief" was first introduced in 1969 in the book, "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a psychiatrist working with terminal cancer patients. Kubler-Ross noticed that her patients went through a similar process prior to death which she termed the"five stages of grief". Elisabeth Kubler-Ross died in 2004 just after completing her final book with David Kessler called, "On Grief and Grieving" in which the stages are further applied to anyone coping with any major loss. When you suffer a significant loss you may experience more than one stage at a time or fluctuate back and forth between the stages. Remind yourself that whatever you are feeling is okay and understandable. When you allow yourself to understand and experience the stages of grief- you can find peace.

1) Denial. This is a common first stage. Denial is actually a protective coping strategy that allows you a period of disbelief in which you try to come to grips with what has just occurred. It may be too traumatic for your system to absorb your loss all at once, so denial actually gives you the time and space to absorb the shock of what is actually happening. As the reality of your loss begins to sink in, denial becomes less helpful and you may begin to move on to the next stages, including--

2) Anger. The unfairness of your loss may feel all-consuming. You may feel angry at others or yourself and unfairly blame yourself for the loss. You may feel guilty for feeling angry if you were socialized to feel that anger is not okay. Try to get rid of the guilt and give yourself permission to feel your anger completely. Sometimes journaling or talking about your feelings can help. You may need to release your anger in a physical, non-harmful way. Exercise is a great way to release stress and anger. So is taking a walk alone and finding a solitary place where you can scream for as long as you need to. If you feel stuck in anger, spend time asking yourself what you need to do to release your anger. Stuffing or denying your angry feelings never works, as the anger will come out in other ways, until it is fully experienced and released.

3) Bargaining. This stage entails a lot of internal struggling. You may dwell in the past and become consumed with thoughts about what you might have done differently to avoid the loss. You may think "if only this hadn't happened, everything would be fine." If you believe in God or a higher power you may find yourself praying for relief from your grief. I remember praying to God to please let me have just one healthy child. I promised God I would be the most grateful, wonderful mother in the world and never ask for anything ever again. Bargaining entails quite a bit of magical thinking and involves the false sense that you have control over preventing something that has already happened. Once you finally accept the fact that there is no bargaining away your pain, the next stage often sets in...

4) Depression. Depression can be compared to a big, dark, lonely hole. It can be a terrible place to visit, but it is an important part of your healing process. The sadness you feel over your loss, just like anger, can not be ignored. In order to heal from your pain, you must acknowledge your sadness. It can be extremely difficult for the people closest to you to allow you to feel depressed without trying to "fix it" for you. When others try to cheer you up, or minimize your sadness- this is exactly the opposite of what is needed. If you feel as if others are rushing you through your sadness this may cause resentment and may further intensify your feelings of loneliness and isolation.
With miscarriage, the sadness of an unrealized dream can feel profound. As soon as you see that positive pregnancy result, you start dreaming of your baby. The idea that you have lost someone precious that you will never get to meet can feel unbearable. If your feelings of depression feel overwhelming and prolonged-- seek out help. Remember, there is no shame in asking for help-- the real shame is knowing that help is available and refusing to accept that help.

5) Acceptance. This final stage does not necessarily mean that you are okay with what has happened, but it does mean that you have come to a place of learning to live with your new reality. You can heal and grow stronger when you learn to honor all of your feelings and feel them completely. It is often at this stage that you may want to find ways to honor what you have lost. With miscarriage, acceptance can come in a variety of forms. Many women have shared that doing something positive and tangible in memory of the little life that was lost can be tremendously healing-- such as planting a tree, writing a poem, creating something artistic, or reaching out to help others in need. Trust that you will find the way that works best for you.

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Give Yourself a Gift

I have always loved this time of year. However the year that I miscarried right before Christmas- the holidays became unbearably bleak and lonely. I remember decorating the tree listening to Christmas music and crying because the song "Baby's First Christmas" came on. I had always thought it was a corny song but that year it became a cruel reminder of all that I had lost. I felt slapped by the reality that everywhere I turned it seemed as if everyone else was blissfully celebrating during the exact lowest moment in my life. I could not wait for the holidays to be over that year. You may be feeling that way this year. If so, here are a few tips to help you take care of yourself so you can get through the holidays as painlessly as possible:

1) Honor your feelings. Remind yourself you have a right to all of your feelings including your anger and sadness. The holidays are often very focused on children, so this time of year may feel especially painful and even intensify your feelings of loss. You may feel pressured by others to get into the "holiday spirit" which may feel impossible. Whatever you are feeling is completely understandable. You are grieving a tremendous loss- the loss of a child you loved and never got to meet, and the loss of a dream.

2) Put yourself first. Don't worry about ruining the holidays for others, just try to figure out what will be the most helpful for you and then go with it. What feels helpful may change from minute to minute, and that's okay. It's okay to not want to be around crowds of people. Don't force yourself to pretend that you are feeling fine if you are not. Our culture does not deal well with death and miscarriage is often an unrecognized loss. You may feel pressured by others to get over your grief quickly. Understand that if you feel this pressure from others that this is a reflection of their own issue and ignorance rather than anything that you are doing wrong.

3) Be kind and gentle with yourself. Pay attention to your inner voice. Are you criticizing yourself, blaming yourself, or being impatient with yourself? Vow to take a zero tolerance approach to any kind of self-criticism. Treat yourself as you would someone you love deeply who has suffered a tremendous loss. You would not berate a dear friend for feeling understandably sad or angry, so do not engage in any kind of self-punishing behavior toward yourself.
Give yourself the gift of treating yourself as a treasured friend this year. It may feel difficult at first, but if you learn to make this a habit, it will help you immensely during the grief process. The gift of nurturing yourself and honoring your own needs can become the way you treat yourself for the rest of your life- a truly priceless gift.

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Surviving Anniversary Reactions

The thing about Anniversary reactions is that they can sneak up on you unexpectedly. The term "Anniversary reactions" was first created to describe the phenomenon of someone feeling grief-stricken all over again on the anniversary date that someone they loved died. Anniversary reactions can happen in regard to any traumatic event including miscarriage. Try not to judge yourself too harshly if you have a particularly difficult time at certain times of year. You may feel sad on the actual anniversary date of your miscarriage or you may have more trouble on the anniversary of your baby's due date. Here are some tips to support yourself during the low points:

1) Develop Awareness.
Noticing that you tend to feel sad or low around certain times of year is the first step toward developing awareness. No problem can be changed unless you first become aware that there is indeed a problem. Becoming aware takes a lot of self-honesty. Surround yourself with insightful and supportive people who want what is best for you and who will point out to you when you are off track. Having supportive friends and people in your life who are constantly trying to grow and change for the better will help you grow and change too. This is part of the reason support groups can be so powerful. They help develop awareness and strength by sharing your struggles and supporting each other to make positive changes.

2) Take an inventory.
Check in with yourself frequently and ask yourself what you are feeling. Are you feeling guilt, blame, shame, or regret? For years I would torture myself with all of these emotions surrounding my pregnancy losses. I learned that these were just old patterns and that when I felt these emotions it became a signal to me that I was way off track. You can train yourself to recognize that these emotions are a waste of time and energy. Refuse to participate in feeling guilty or blaming yourself. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can and vow to release the guilt and blame for good.

3) Focus on the love.
Look at the fact that you are having difficulty after miscarriage as a sign of your capacity to love. You were able to fall completely in love with someone that you were never able to meet- how incredible is that! Your capacity to love is limitless. Yet when the love you felt for that child you lost is turned back in on yourself and twisted into self-hatred and blame- the love gets lost. Try to focus on the love you felt for that little life and allow yourself to feel that love in return for yourself.
Remember there is no such thing as a problem-free life for anyone. We all have our struggles and challenges. We are all afraid and insecure at times. Our strength lies in our willingness live through the tough times in life without allowing these times to harden us. When we can focus on the love we have for ourselves and others, we can get through anything.

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Secrets of Successful Couples

The weeks and months after miscarriage or any significant loss can feel like living in a fog of grief. Understanding the stages of grief can help you be more compassionate to yourself during this time. You may feel numb- like you are just going through the motions, or sad and continuously tearful or even rageful and angry. You may feel disconnected and distant from your partner. Part of the healing process necessitates that you feel and release extremely negative emotions- this process is never easy for those closest to you. Patience and compassion for each other are essential to help you get through any turbulent time in life together successfully. Here are some tips I've learned from my own experience and in my work with others:

• Take care of yourself first. This may sound selfish, but you can not take care of someone else until you have figured out what you want and need for yourself. No one can figure out what you need except you. We each have our own jobs in every relationship. Your job is figuring out what you want and need and your partner's job is figuring out what they want and need. So much time and energy is wasted on trying to figure out how to make other people happy when this energy could be spent on making ourselves happy. When you are happy and fulfilled, you are a joy to be around and your unique gift of giving to others will flow naturally from you. Sitting around waiting for another person to make us happy is also such a waste of time. Recognizing that you are responsible for your own happiness is the greatest gift you can give to yourself and your partner.

• Get Support. Understand that you have been through a traumatic event and honor your need to work through some very difficult emotions. Everything you are feeling is justified- no matter how strange or selfish it may feel. Talking about and working through the tough emotions is never easy but it is the path to healing. When you do the heavy work of dealing with your deepest, darkest emotions- you will gain strength and self-awareness from your experience. Take advantage of one of the support groups I facilitate, or the one-on-one sessions I offer. I also offer sessions to couples. If you feel like your partner needs help but is refusing- get help on your own. When just one member of a couple grows and makes positive changes, the dynamic of the couple as a whole is transformed.

• Turn towards your partner. My favorite book on strengthening relationships is "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman, Ph.D and Nan Silver. It's a wonderful book based on Dr. Gottman's years of research on what makes some marriages thrive while others don't. He can predict with 91% accuracy which couples will divorce and which ones will stay together just by observing them argue for five minutes. This book helped me so much in improving my own marriage and has allowed me to help other couples to strengthen their relationships. I was grateful to learn from Dr. Gottman that happy couples do indeed argue! The book is filled with many wonderful tips on improving your relationship. One of my favorites is "turn toward each other instead of away". It's all about adopting a "we against others" approach and remembering you are on the same team.
  Miscarriage is such a lonely, scary time that feeling able to turn towards your partner and feel safe and secure is such a help. If you don't feel able to do this, it does not mean that you are in a bad relationship or that your partner is unfeeling. Learning as much as you can about yourself, and learning ways to find strength from your experience, will help. Treat yourself and your partner with as much love and compassion as you can. Every relationship faces unique challenges and enduring the stressful experiences together will help you learn so much about each other. It will also help you embrace the calm, happy times in your relationship with a newfound gratitude.
  
  References:
  John M. Gottman & Nan Silver , The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999).

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

When You Don't Feel Like Celebrating...

If you are in the middle of grief, or are going through an especially difficult time, it can feel nearly impossible to feel like celebrating. Add to that all of the outside pressures around the holidays to put on an outer facade that everything is wonderful- and these times can feel draining and overwhelming.

Try to be kind and gentle with yourself if this time of year is less than blissful for you. If you have suffered a loss recently, or if an anniversary of a loss coincides with the holidays, acknowledge to yourself that it is okay to feel whatever you are feeling. You may have grown up in a home where the holidays were not happy times, so the holidays may trigger old negative feelings or traumatic memories. Do not beat yourself up for feeling negatively- understand that whatever you are feeling is understandable and justified. Spend some time trying to figure out what might make you feel better, and then do it. Release yourself from the expectations of others and spend some time alone nurturing yourself. Surround yourself only with people who love, inspire and support you.

David Neagle, a highly successful business and life strategist, recently wrote the following,

"Go where you're celebrated not where you're tolerated, never stay where you're not valued and guard well the talents that God has given you."

I love this quote. It contains such important wisdom for all of us to remember every day of our lives, not just during the holidays.

Are you feeling celebrated by the people in your life? Are you celebrating those people whom you have chosen to be in your life? If the answer is no, remember that only you have the power to change your experience. If you feel disrespected by your extended family but feel pressure to celebrate with them every year, ask yourself why you are putting yourself in the same unhappy situation year after year. Give yourself permission to create new traditions that will nurture you and those closest to you.

Life is too short to continue to do anything out of obligation rather than love. As you learn to listen to what you truly want and and act accordingly, life becomes much easier and more joyous. Understand that you are the only person responsible for your own happiness. This will allow you to be able to decide for yourself what you truly want. As you take the necessary steps to create the life and relationships that you want, it will be easier to notice all of the gifts in your life and to celebrate them.

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Don't take it personally...

I just read an amazing book called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. The premise of the book is that there are four agreements which we should all live by in order to enjoy a life filled with happiness and love. There's a whole lot of wisdom in this beautiful little book that can help anyone struggling with grief or a painful life event. Don Miguel Ruiz discusses all four of the agreements in great length and I would highly recommend you pick up a copy. The four agreements are as follows:

1) Be impeccable with your word.

2) Don't take anything personally.

3) Don't make assumptions.

4) Always do your best.

A sad and unfortunate outcome of grief and suffering is often the stress they can create in our relationships. When sadness and pain overtake our lives, it is common to feel sensitive to the comments of others or to feel stuck in anger. You may feel distant from your partner, or misunderstood by even your co-workers, closest friends and family. Many women notice that many of their relationships become strained after miscarriage. People who seem insensitive to your grief can cause so much pain. In extreme cases an estrangement occurs or a friendship or relationship ends.

If you are experiencing turmoil with someone close to you, take a look at whether you are taking something personally or if you are making assumptions that are hurting you needlessly. If someone says something that offends or hurts you, trust that it has more to do with the other person than it has to do with you. By refusing to make assumptions about the other person's intent you can ask questions and clarify what you want or need.

An all too common occurrence after pregnancy loss is when someone says something like, "It's for the best," or "You can always try again". Many of you have shared how hurtful such comments can be. Try to understand in that moment that these types of comments reveal a lot more about the other person who uttered them rather than anything about you. You can decide that such an unhelpful response is the other person's issue not yours. You can also be honest by saying, "What you said struck me as really unhelpful. Are you trying to make me feel better?". Ask questions until you are clear about the other person's intent. This will help you avoid making assumptions. Clearly tell the other person what you need by saying something like "I really just need you to listen to me right now" or whatever you feel you need in that moment.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel. Allow everyone else to feel their own feelings without taking these feelings personally. Decide that if you feel hurt by someone, you will talk it through with them rather than making assumptions. Decide you are worth trying to put these four agreements into practice. Notice the difference it makes in your life and in your relationships.

Reference
Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements (San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen Publishing, 1997).

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Are you doing this every day?

I talk a lot about how my miscarriages changed my life. The pain, fear and uncertainty of that period caused me to question everything I had once thought to be true. As a result, I discarded a lot of old beliefs that were no longer serving me. My healing started me on a new path of viewing life as a journey of self-discovery and growth. One practice that I adopted back then that has become a daily practice for me is forgiveness.

I used to be a huge grudge-holder until I realized that my unwillingness to forgive others was all tied up in my unwillingness to forgive myself. I held so many rigid beliefs in my mind about what was right and wrong that I was constantly feeling guilty about breaking all of my self-imposed rules. My self-esteem was in a shambles because I was holding myself to impossibly high standards that no one could possibly meet. My relationships were mostly unsatisfying as well because I felt continuously disappointed by others since no one could ever live up to my impossibly high expectations.

When I learned to start forgiving myself, it was like someone was suddenly shining a flashlight into a dark room. All of sudden I became aware of how my relentless judgement of myself and others was poisoning my life and my relationships. I had held so much blame and guilt towards myself for my miscarriages that forgiving myself became a huge step towards healing. As I learned to forgive myself for my pregnancy losses, it became easier for me to start seeing all of the other areas in my life where I was holding on to blame and guilt and punishing myself repeatedly.

When you get into the habit of forgiving yourself every day, forgiving other people becomes so much easier. Vow to make forgiveness part of your daily routine. Instead of beating yourself up when you make a mistake, you can say to yourself, "Well, that was not so great but I am trying the best I can." If you hurt someone, acknowledge your mistake and ask for forgiveness. Knowing you are doing the best you can allows you to start trusting that everyone else around you is doing the best they can. If someone says something hurtful to you, recognize that their negativity is a reflection of what is going on inside of them rather than anything that has to do with you.

Understand that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Holding on to anger or resentment with another person is giving the object of your anger way too much power. When you can release that anger and say simply, "I am no longer letting this person have power over me. I am moving on"- it is tremendously freeing and empowering. I used to be one of those people who would become enraged when I was driving and someone would cut me off. I started practicing saying whenever someone did this, "How terrible for that person to be in such a terrible rush." It helped me learn to develop empathy for the other driver rather than rage.

Think of your own life. Are you holding on to any anger towards yourself? Are you filled with guilt or blame over anything? Sit with these questions for awhile. It may help to write down your answers or say them out loud. Allow yourself to see that it is time to forgive yourself. You do not need to punish yourself any longer. Allow yourself to be forgiven. Now think of anyone else in your life who you may feel angry towards. Go through the same process and decide that you are going to release any power they still hold over you. Give yourself the gift of adding forgiveness to your daily routine, the difference it will make in your life and in your relationships will astound you.

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Try this the next time you get stuck

We all experience times when life just seems too difficult and we feel powerless to change the circumstances we find ourselves in. These are the low moments in life. Perhaps you are in the middle of one of these times right now. It can feel as if you are all alone and that no one could possibly understand your pain and level of stress. This sense of isolation is merely an illusion as is your sense that you are powerless to change your experience. Here are a few tips to remember when all feels bleak.

1. Take responsibility. Own up to your role in contributing to your current situation. This does not mean blaming yourself, making yourself bad or wrong or beating yourself up in any way. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Sometimes, as in the case of miscarriage, bad things happen to good people. Blame and guilt are useless emotions, they do us absolutely no good and we need to refuse to fall into the trap of blaming ourselves or others and becoming guilt-ridden or resentful. Feeling guilty is a waste of time and energy and never changes anything in a positive way. Remember, no one has the power to change your life except you. When you take responsibility, you are refusing to be a victim and you are taking the first step toward stepping out of a situation that is not serving you.

2. See the big picture. It is common to get so bogged down in a current crisis that it's difficult to see the big picture. That's why its often so much easier to give other people advice than to actually know what the right course of action is in your own life. You are less emotionally attached to other people's issues and can usually see potential solutions to their problems. However in your own life, it is often extremely difficult to step back and see the endless possibilities that exist. Sometimes it helps to try to imagine if someone you love were suddenly in the circumstances you now find yourself. What would you tell them to do? How would someone you greatly admire handle your current situation? Your answers may give you clues as to what your next steps should be.

3. When all else fails, do something different. Sometimes you can get so bogged down in your current difficulties that you just keep using the same old coping mechanisms that you have always used. These coping mechanisms have often contributed to the situation in which you currently find yourself. It was Einstein who said that insanity is "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". It is during these difficult times in life when it can be so helpful to have a skilled coach or mentor (or a really insightful and bossy friend) who can help you to see that the solution lies in your ability to step out of your comfort zone and handle the situation completely differently than you normally would.

I learned a lot last week at the business seminar I attended about needing to step through the "terror barrier" (a place of extreme discomfort and fear) in order to reach the success that lies on the other side. The same is true with all aspects of life. There will be times when you will feel terrified and unsteady, but when you have the courage to take action in spite of your fear-
freedom, empowerment and endless possibilities await you on the other side.

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Decide You're Worth It

After my third miscarriage, my feelings of self-worth were at an all time low. I was childless and paralyzed with fear that I would never be a mother. I had never realized how much my self-worth was wrapped up in my ability to have children, and suddenly found myself face to face with one of my greatest fears. If I was unable to have a child of my own, what was my purpose in life, I wondered. Why was I having to suffer when others around me seemed effortlessly able to get pregnant and have children?

I was consumed with pain and felt everyone else was surrounded by abundance while I had nothing. I felt inferior to everyone who had what I wanted. With the help of counseling, a lot of inner work, and working with others more enlightened than myself, I realized that my miscarriages were sad and painful - but no reflection of my self-worth. I was enough just as I was. And you are too.

If self-worth is something you struggle with, you are not alone. Here are a few tips to help:

1) Decide you're worth it- because you are! Pay attention to any critical messages you send to yourself during the day. Recognize these messages are just old tapes we've been playing in our heads for years (most of them since childhood). These messages may have been created to keep us safe as children, but they are no longer serving us.

2) Change any negative messages into positive ones. For example, one of my old messages used to be, "I'm less than other women because I can't have a child of my own". I learned to replace that awful false message with a much more authentic and positive, "I'm a vibrant wonderful woman who creates and nurtures fabulous relationships, ideas and projects every day". This may feel untrue or silly for you at first but commit to trying this for at least thirty days. Decide you are worth the effort. Life is too short to beat ourselves up with our own thoughts.

3) Figure out what you want and go after it. We all day-dream. Many of us dismiss our dreams as impractical and impossible, but our fantasies are actually clues to what we really want. Start making a list of what you want. Maybe its a new relationship or you want to improve the relationships you already have. Maybe its travel, or a career change. Whatever it is, decide that you deserve it and will have it. Start taking steps to receive what you want.

Remember, you are enough, just as you are. If you need help along the way, take the plunge and work with someone who will help you recognize your own amazing self-worth. Find someone who can show you how you can create the life and relationships of your dreams. I am ready and able to help if you need me.


Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Did you just say that (to yourself)?

For years I was unaware of how consistently and negatively I spoke to myself through my own thoughts. Once I started paying attention to the running dialogue in my head, I began to notice how frequently I was criticizing myself. Starting from the moment I woke up in the morning and looked in the mirror, I would immediately focus on what I thought was wrong with the person staring back at me rather than what was right. My inner critique would run continuously throughout the day. I rarely gave myself a break. My inner voice was constantly criticizing my actions ("Why'd you just say that? That was really dumb" or "You are such a slacker" were common refrains to myself throughout the day) I eventually learned that getting rid of my habit of beating myself up was vital to my personal growth and my ability to experience true joy and happiness.

Any experts on parenting or relationships are quick to tell us that criticism of our children or partners never changes a thing. Criticism of others just makes them feel defensive and erodes their self esteem. Our criticism of ourselves works in the same way- it never helps us change either, it just wears us down.

Here are a few tips to help remind us of the importance of treating ourselves kindly and compassionately at all times:

• Become aware of your own thoughts. We can not change something we are unaware of, so start by noticing how you talk to yourself during the day. If you are noticing critical thoughts, what seems to trigger them? Are there certain people,situations, or times of day that seem to trigger you to have more negative thoughts about yourself? Making a mental note or even writing down what sorts of things you tell yourself is a vital first step to beginning to change how you talk to yourself.

• Refuse to criticize yourself. I am a huge fan of Louise Hay who has built a self-help empire on teaching people to love themselves. Louise insists that we must stop all criticism of ourselves "now and forever more". Whenever I need to remind myself to be easier on myself, I grab her CD, "How to Love Yourself" and play it in my car as I run my errands. Listening to her simple and beautiful philosophy of life helps remind me to get back on track.

• Vow to always treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. If you can commit to doing this, you will begin to notice the positive changes it brings in your life. The more I made being loving to myself a habit, I began to notice it was so much easier to love the people around me. The easier I became towards myself, the easier I started to be on the people I loved. I am a firm believer in "what we give out, comes back to us". When we love ourselves and others unconditionally, we will be amazed by the abundance of love we receive back.
  
  Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Understanding Our Fertility

One of my all-time favorite books is "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" by Dr. Christiane Northrup. I keep it right on my nightstand, and refer to it often. Its a huge book (well over 900 pages) and I love that it's overflowing with such gems of wisdom that I can open up to any page and read something that will make me think. The chapter on fertility really helped transform my thinking after my miscarriages. In this chapter, Dr. Northrup asks the following:

"What if we started now to teach our young women that they have inherent worth- and that though they may choose to have a baby, there are many other opportunities open to them as well? What if they knew that their menstrual cycles are part of their sacred connection with the earth and the moon- and their sexuality needn't necessarily be shared with a man? What if they knew that their wombs, whether or not they had children, are their body center for creativity- and that the womb has its own meaning and value, separate from being a potential carrier for children?" (pg 443)

These questions began to open my eyes to the true meaning of fertility and helped me to realize that my self-worth did not have to be tied up with whether I produced a child or not. Expanding our concept of fertility allows us to develop a greater appreciation of our tremendous power as women.

Many women who are struggling with feelings of blame, self-hatred or low self-esteem because they are having trouble either getting pregnant or staying pregnant (or both) may feel that their identity as a woman is being threatened by their inability to have a child of their own. Nothing could be further from the truth. Our sense of self-worth as women should not be dependent on whether or not we are able to produce children. There is great love and beauty inside each and every one of us whether we give birth to a child or not.

Learning to look inside of ourselves to connect with our own power and creativity will help us begin to see the unique beauty and energy inside each of us. We each have the power to create and give life to new ideas, projects and relationships every day of our lives. Creating, loving and nurturing our many unique creations is the pathway to a truly abundant and fertile life.

References:
Christiane Northrup, Women's Bodies Women's Wisdom, (New York: Bantom Books, 1998).

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Learning From Vulnerability

The physical vulnerability we experience during miscarriage can feel downright scary and can intensify our grief. Not only are we losing someone we already love and do not want to lose but we experience intense physical pain during the process. Many women find the physical pain of miscarriage so severe they just wish for the process to be over with and then feel guilty for feeling this way. I found the pain of miscarriage to be much more painful than labor because when the miscarriage is completed, sorrow and loss are waiting rather than a new little life. The unfairness of it all is overwhelming. Miscarriage leaves us so vulnerable because we have lost a part of ourselves. We feel physically and emotionally traumatized, which can cause us to feel very vulnerable. As frightening as vulnerability feels, we can learn a lot from this temporary state of helplessness.

• Validate to ourselves why we feel vulnerable. Remember, we have experienced a profound and painful loss, that anyone would find difficult. We are not being weak by struggling with our experience. The fact that we feel so sad and lost is a testament to our capacity to love.
  
• Take stock of what we still have. Although we have lost someone extremely important to us who we never got to meet, there are still others around us who are alive and well and love us. Trying to focus on those relationships that nurture and sustain us can help us feel less lost and alone.
  
• Seek out help from others who understand. While I'm all about being a strong, independent woman, an important part of being strong is asking for help when we need it. Seek out support from others who have been through a similar loss. Allow yourself to find healing from others who have survived the struggles you now face.
  
• Build up our inner strength. Develop the habit of being kind, compassionate and nurturing of yourself at all times. Refuse to criticize yourself. Truly loving the fabulous person you are will make you stronger. Pay attention to activities which bring you joy, and make these activities part of your daily routine. Recognize the strength it takes to overcome this powerful loss. See how strong you are as a result of all you have endured.
  
  
  Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved
  

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

As a teenager and into my twenties, I was a big grudge holder. I used to proudly state, "I forgive but I don't forget" and while I had no real sense of what true forgiveness entailed I would hang on to every perceived slight and injustice that was done to me.

The pain of my recurrent miscarriages transformed my life in so many ways. I struggled with tremendous feelings of sadness and depression following my third and final miscarriage. In my quest for healing I stumbled upon the concept that depression was actually feelings of anger and rage turned inward. As I let this concept sink in I realized how truly angry I was.

I was angry at nearly everyone around me but most of all I was angry at myself. I blamed myself and my body so much for my pregnancy losses. Many of us can be so hard on ourselves and others. I tried so hard to work through my anger but nothing really helped until I came across an incredible meditation by Stephen Levine. Its in his amazing is book, "Guided Meditations, Explorations and Healings" (New York, Doubleday, 1991). His beautiful meditation was tremendously healing for me.

If you find yourself holding on to feelings of anger towards someone else or even yourself, I recommend taking some time when you are ready and reading some meditations on forgiveness. Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself because holding onto feelings of resentment and blame will damage you physically and emotionally over time. Our ability to forgive ourselves and others is our healing power.

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Sharing Our Stories

Some of you may know that I am in the process of writing a book about miscarriage which has been a wonderful and challenging endeavor for me. It has been tremendously healing for me to tell my story in the hopes of helping others. In hearing from other women who have experienced miscarriage, I am learning that we all have our own compelling story. Part of the deep pain of losing a baby is the loneliness and isolation so many of us feel. Yet there seem to be so many common elements in our shared experiences.

So many of us have experienced those closest to us often feeling awkward about how to comfort us in our sorrow. Many end up saying nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing, which leaves us unfortunately feeling like they don't care or are oblivious to our loss. Other brave souls who do decide to broach the subject with us may indeed say something unintentionally hurtful. We all feel tremendously vulnerable after miscarriage, so a comment that may normally roll off our backs in better times, may feel like a knife wound during times of sorrow. By sharing these experiences with each other, we learn that we are not as alone as we feared, and we can learn more effective ways of handling our common struggles.

Many women have shared the common experience of having a hard time going to baby showers after their miscarriages. I felt the same way after my miscarriages, but felt I must be the only one who felt this way and was deeply ashamed of my feelings. Every baby shower invitation I received would cause an intense internal struggle. Of course I was happy for the expectant couple, but how I longed for the same joy that they were experiencing! I would try to picture myself at the shower, and the mere thought of that would produce tremendous anxiety and sorrow. The thought of going shopping into an actual baby store and picking out a gift for yet another baby that was not my own felt like enough to send me over the edge. I feared that if I attended, I would end up sobbing uncontrollably, reveal to the rest of the world that I was indeed the crazy woman I felt like inside and ruin the mother-to-be's happy day. In light of all of that, I learned to politely decline these invitations during my intense grief.

The baby shower struggle is just one of many common dilemmas for so many of us after miscarriage. Not feeling safe to talk about these struggles can make me us feel even more alone and isolated. In my thoughts, I would chastise myself for being "selfish" and not being able to get out of my own way to celebrate someone else's good fortune. That kind of criticism of ourselves is so common yet so cruel and unjustified.

Healing comes when we learn to be honest about our feelings and refuse to judge ourselves so harshly. When we validate our feelings, we see that it is completely understandable that baby showers would be difficult for us. There is nothing selfish about being in touch with our feelings and taking care of ourselves accordingly. Through sharing our stories with each other, we learn to understand that we are not alone in our feelings and experiences. This mutual sharing helps us treat ourselves and each other more compassionately.


Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Anniversary Reactions

This sad occasion of the eighth anniversary of the September 11th attacks got me thinking about anniversary reactions and how powerful these can be for so many of us. If you are unfamiliar with the concept of anniversary reactions, they are feelings of grief and sadness that can pop up on the anniversary of a traumatic event. While so many of us feel a deep sense of sadness and somberness today, for those who lost someone they loved on this day, the pain and loss touches them to the core.

Miscarriage is a devastating loss for many of us and anniversary reactions are common with miscarriage too. October 18th, December 13th, March 3rd. These dates may be just random dates for you, or they may be dates of special significance- maybe the birthday or wedding anniversary of someone you know or perhaps even your own special day. For me, these are the dates of my three miscarriages. You may have your own similar dates that hold equally sad significance for you. One woman shared with me that she rarely remembered the dates of her miscarriages, but she always remembered the due dates of when her children should have been born had the pregnancies not ended in miscarriages. These due dates often triggered anniversary reactions in her. Some women do not remember specific dates but remember the general time of year that the miscarriage occurred and experience anniversary reactions around that same time each year. For some, anniversaries are not an issue at all- but if anniversaries are a challenging time for you, here are some guidelines for coping:

• Accept your feelings without judgement. Some years, an anniversary will pass and I will not even remember until days after that it had been one of those dreaded dates. Other times, I am deeply aware of the approaching date, and breathe a sigh of relief when the day passes by. I used to feel guilty if an anniversary went by and I did not remember it. It was yet another way for me to punish myself for a loss that I felt at a very deep and unconscious level was my fault. The sense of blame many of us carry around with us is destructive and undeserved. Learning to forgive ourselves and being easy on ourselves is essential for healing.
• TLC ( Tender Loving Care) is always appropriate. I now schedule these dates well in advance as days off from work every year. I used to try to work on these dates and often found myself either getting sick, or feeling really drained and resentful about helping others on a day where I often felt unable to get out of my own way. Then I remembered that its really a waste of time to be aggravated that others are not taking care of me in the way that I need when its my job to take care of myself. I have learned to nurture myself in whatever way I need on those days. Some years I just stay in my pajamas and rest (without guilt), other years I enjoy the company of those closest to me, or I treat myself to a massage or pedicure. I have learned to let go of any pre-conceived notions of how I will feel on that day or what I will want to do. I just go with the flow and do whatever feels the most nurturing to me in the moment. I am a strong believer that you can not take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself. These days are good reminders to do just that.
• Do something positive to remember. I love the idea of planting a tree, or some beautiful perennial flowers that will bloom every year. Its a wonderful, living tribute to the memory of the baby that was loved so much. Others have shared that writing a poem or buying or creating a work of art in memory of their baby serve as a beautiful, tangible reminder that love lives on.
• Remember, this too shall pass. On those anniversaries that are especially hard, it can often feel like a thick grey fog of depression envelops us on that day. When we honor our needs, and treat ourselves with patience and kindness, this anniversary-related fog often lifts as suddenly as it appeared.

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Remember Your Power

Sometimes just the daily stresses of life can make us feel tired and vulnerable. When a devastating life event like miscarriage occurs, our sense of powerlessness may feel overwhelming. In an effort to heal more quickly, we may run away from our painful feelings or minimize our feelings of loss. No matter how tempting this strategy may be, it never helps in the long run. Here are a couple of tips to remember when we start feeling those sinking feelings of powerlessness.

• Take an inventory. Sit quietly with yourself and go over all that has been going on in your life. If you enjoy writing- simply jotting down what has been happening for you can be a real eye-opener. You may look at your list and think, "Well of course I'm feeling stressed, look at all that I'm dealing with". Validating for yourself the challenge of your current circumstance is an important first step in feeling empowered.
• Trust that there is great learning in this experience. As much as I love when I am feeling blissfully happy, high-energy and productive, there is great wisdom in patiently supporting ourselves through the difficult times in life. Often we need time to sit with our feelings in order to figure out what our next steps will be. Be patient with yourself in this process and know that the answers will come to you.
• Remember that power and strength come from how we choose to respond to the difficulties that come our way. It is not about having a problem-free life. Losing a baby can be one of the most painful experiences that a person can endure. Facing our fear and pain is never easy. But it is our ability to face our fears and live through them that will help us heal and continue to grow in strength.
• Recognize your courage. I stumbled upon the following quote by Mary Anne Radmacher, "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes Courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." I really like this quote because it captures how unglamorous real courage often is. Sometimes courage is just the act of waking up to another day and doing our best to try to continue to live our lives in the presence of intense sadness and grief. It's acknowledging that things are difficult right now but refusing to give up no matter how much we may want to. When faced with a profound loss, our ability to face the pain and feel it completely takes great courage. Getting through the tough times in life makes us stronger, more substantial human beings and leaves us better-equipped to enjoy the fabulous times that await us.

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Men and Miscarriage

Perhaps my first hint that my husband, Kirk, and I were going to react very differently to miscarriage occurred on the night of my first miscarriage. A little over six weeks pregnant, Kirk and I had gone out to dinner with my parents to celebrate. I remember falling asleep that night, snuggled up with him and reveling in my good fortune. I woke up abruptly in the middle of the night with an intense and painful ripping sensation in my lower abdomen. I knew instantly that something awful was happening. Crying, I woke Kirk up and told him what had happened. He remained remarkably calm. He held me close, told me I was probably worrying for nothing, all would be well in the morning and that I just needed to go back to sleep. I so wanted to believe his words and marveled at his ability to go right back to sleep. I clung to him in the dark as sleep alluded me. My thoughts were focused on our baby who I knew at that moment was dying. I wept quietly throughout the night until I fell asleep exhausted. I felt that I was losing something precious that I had not fully appreciated and had now lost forever. The ensuing days and months were filled with my nearly indescribable grief. Kirk tried to be supportive but as time went on, it became obvious that he did not share my depth of loss. I wanted to talk about the pregnancy loss almost constantly yet Kirk just wanted me to move on.

As I have researched the impact of miscarriage on couples, I have found that my experience is not so unique. While some women do report feeling closer to their partners after miscarriage, many women do not. There are a variety of reasons for this disconnect between couples after miscarriage. 74% of participants in one study reported coping with miscarriage differently from their spouses. Researchers have found that while most women wished to talk about their loss, most men preferred to not talk about it. Men's responses to miscarriage suggest that the baby is less real to them and that their greatest concern is the well-being of their partner. Men's responses can range from feeling despair, and sadness to being personally unaffected or frustrated by their partner's grief. Many men fear they will say the wrong thing, and thus try to avoid saying anything at all. This lack of communication increases their partners loneliness and isolation. One study found that after miscarriage, 85% of couples do not share their feelings fully with each other. Women who felt the least supported by their partners and who felt an overall lack of social support had the most difficult time coping.

If you are feeling a lack of support from your partner, here are a few suggestions to help:

• Pick a time when you and your partner are not tired or stressed to discuss your feelings. Try to stick to the topic of how you are feeling. Do not attack your partner or jump to the conclusion that just because he may not share your grief feelings that he is a bad person. Men just don't physically know what it feels like to have a little life growing inside of them. They may have not bonded with the baby-to-be like an expectant mother would. You have a right to your feelings and your partner has a right to his. The more understood each of you feel by each other, the easier it will be to stay connected and cope with your loss.
• Clearly state what you need. The more specific you can be the better. Being able to say something like, "I've been blaming myself a lot and feeling unlovable, I need you to hug me and tell me you love me." is pretty clear. Sometimes women may feel resentful about having to come right out and tell their partner what they need. I have heard countless times, "If he really loved me he should know what I need without me telling him". Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth. None of us can be expected to read each other's minds. Our failure to state our own needs clearly and ask for what we need most often leads to hurt, resentment and misunderstanding.
• Seek support. Sometimes the greatest support comes not from one's partner but from other women who have experienced the same loss. I am a strong proponent of support groups. The services I offer have been created to help women cope with miscarriage more effectively and to feel more supported, understood and strengthened.
  
  References
  Murphy FA. (1998). The experience of early miscarriage from a male perspective. J Clin Nurs 7, 325-32.
  
  Miron J, Chapman JS. (1994). Supporting men's experiences with the event of their partners' miscarriage. Can J Nurs Res 26, 61-72.
  
  Puddifoot JE, Johnson MP. (1997). The legitimacy of grieving: the partner's experience at miscarriage. Soc Sci Med 45, 837-45.
  
  Swanson, KM, Karmali, ZA, Powell, SH, and Pulvermakher, F (2003). Miscarriage Effects on Couples' Interpersonal and Sexual Relationships During the First Year After Loss: Women's Perceptions. Psychosomatic Medicine 65, 902-910.
  
  Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

It's Okay To Say "No"...

In fact, its even more than okay, its actually healthy to say "No"- and say it often! Prior to my miscarriages, I was a definite people-pleaser. Whenever anyone asked me to do anything, I would nearly always say "yes" whether I really wanted to or not. As a result, anger and resentment would build up inside me. Outwardly, I projected a mask of cheerfulness and compliance, while inwardly I was unhappy and often seething with aggravation and annoyance. Through my own inner work and work with other women, I have learned that putting aside our own feelings in order to help the people around us is a huge issue for many of us. We may feel guilty about saying "no", fear that others will be disappointed or angry with us, or that they will judge us harshly as a result. Yet when we engage in this type of behavior, we are not doing ourselves or anyone else any favors. Many of us were raised as children to do as we were told and to be "good girls". The danger of this is that over time, we can lose touch with who we are and what we truly want. We get so busy trying to meet others' expectations that we lose sight of what we want and need. Ignoring our own needs can wreak havoc on our emotional and physical health over time. The following steps will help you learn to listen to your inner wisdom and set appropriate limits for yourself.

1) Pause before responding. There is no rule that says that when someone asks you to do something that you have to answer them right away. Pausing will give you the reprieve you need to get clear with yourself about how you really feel. There is nothing wrong with saying something like, "I would love to help but I really need to think about whether I have time for that right now. I'll get back to you."

2) Honor your own needs. When you are tempted to take on something new, do an inventory of what you are already committed to doing. If your schedule is already pretty tight, is there something that you would be willing to let go of in order to take this new task on? Ask yourselves the following questions: Do I really have the time to devote to this? Is this a one time request or will it entail ongoing responsibilities? For instance, being asked to fill in for one night at a soup kitchen is different then being asked to join a book group that meets once a month. What is your immediate reaction to the request? Is it excitement over the prospect of taking on something new or are you filled with dread about being asked? Listen to those instincts. The more you learn to trust yourself and listen to yourself, the more you will be able to spend your time on things that bring energy in and bring you joy. I love my work and helping others, but I also have learned that I am at my best and my life runs the smoothest when I give myself plenty of time to rest and recharge.

3) Refuse to compare yourself to others. For many years I had a very bad habit of comparing myself to others. I was convinced everyone else had a happier marriage, cleaner home, more money--you name it, I thought it. Through working with a talented therapist, joining groups, and having deep friendships with many over-achieving types, I have learned that everyone has their issues. I have worked hard to create a life that is incredible and filled with love and abundance, but I have accepted that it will never be perfect. There is no problem-free life for anyone, no matter how wonderful they appear to the outside world. I eventually learned that I feel the most balanced and content when I resist the urge to compare myself to others. Some people may thrive on being constantly busy, but if you are not one of those people, give yourself permission to be who you are.

4) Recognize that when you say "no", you are giving someone else the opportunity to say "yes". You may feel overwhelmed by the request to help paint the sets for the local theater company's upcoming production, but for someone else this might be the perfect opportunity to let their creativity shine. A few years ago, a request went out at work for someone to come up with a monthly presentation for new employees. My co-workers groaned at the request but I jumped at the opportunity as I was excited to work on my public speaking and presentation skills. I felt grateful to be asked. If you really do not want to do something, trust that it will be the perfect opportunity for someone else. Release yourself from the false belief that you are the only one who can do it.

5) Be a role-model. By knowing your limits and sticking with them, you will be role-modeling for others that it is okay for them to set limits too. And remember, people respect honesty. When you are in touch with your own feelings and limits, trust that everyone else will respond accordingly. The more you practice checking in with yourself about what you want and need, the easier and more automatic it will become. I have made a ton of progress in this area, but despite my best efforts, I still sometimes find myself trying to do too many things at once. Be kind and gentle with yourself at these times. Trust in the fact that although you are overwhelmed in the moment, this too shall pass. Maybe there is someone close to you who has been wanting to help and who will be honored you asked. If they say, 'no'-- refuse to take it personally. Praise yourself for being strong enough to recognize you need help and for asking for what you need.


Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All rights reserved

Four Ways To Reduce Anxiety

Research shows that anxiety may be a bigger issue than depression for many women after miscarriage. As I look at my own experience and the experience of others, I can see the truthfulness of these findings. Yes, pain, grief and depression are huge and understandable emotions after any loss-- but the unexpectedness of miscarriage, the many questions that remain unanswered about why the miscarriage occurred, and the lack of control many of feel provoke a lot of anxiety. Here are a few tips for easing our troubled minds:

1) Stay in the Moment.
Do not get ahead of yourself. Many of us are planners and we may feel more relaxed once our future is mapped out and organized. Although a sense of control over the future may assuage our feelings of anxiety- the truth is that so many factors are beyond our control. After my first miscarriage I lived in constant fear of the future- I felt terrified that I might have to endure another miscarriage and felt certain that this would be something I would never be able to survive. My constant worrying did not prevent my subsequent miscarriages and I surprised myself by being physically and emotionally stronger than I had feared.
I love a lot about the whole Alcoholics Anonymous philosophy and I think their mantra of "taking one day at a time" is so helpful for all of us. The more we can stay in the present moment and trust in our ability to handle whatever comes our way- the more manageable our lives will feel.

2) Positive Affirmations.
I get a lot of flack from some people about this one. It reminds them of the old Saturday Night Live character, Stuart Smalley, (played by Al Franken) who would repeat to himself, "I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me". He was a fairly memorable and mildly amusing character. All kidding aside, I am a firm believer in thinking well of ourselves and sending positive messages to ourselves throughout the day. When we start paying attention to how we talk to ourselves- it is often astounding to realize how negative and harsh we can be. When we focus on all that we have already done in a day rather than focusing on all that we have yet to accomplish- our sense of ourselves will be much more balanced.

3) Visualizations.
This week on top of my normally busy schedule, I was asked to do two presentations and I was responsible for hosting two parties. I started panicking a bit mid week about how I would get everything done. I reminded myself that all of these tasks were actually fun activities which I enjoy and that I needed to follow my own advice and not get ahead of myself with worry. Whenever my mind would wander to thoughts of the presentations or the parties I would visualize all going smoothly and being a big success. I am happy to report that as I finish writing my blog, my parties and presentations are behind me. They were all enjoyable and went as successfully as I had visualized.

4) Let Go of Perfectionism.
Again, so many of us have such high expectations for ourselves that our anxiety level is bound to go sky-high when we try to do everything perfectly. Letting go of our need to do everything perfectly and being okay with being "good enough" in certain areas of our lives can be extremely freeing. The more we can accept ourselves the way we are, rather than having some ideal version of ourselves that we can never possibly measure up to- the less anxious we will feel during times of stress and the more we will be able to enjoy our times of ease.


Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Finding Meaning In Our Suffering

One of my favorite books is "Man's Search For Meaning" by Viktor E. Frankl. It's a true story about his survival in a concentration camp during World War II. Frankl, a brilliant psychiatrist, endured incredible suffering during the Holocaust. The focus of his book is his personal journey of finding meaning in his suffering. What kept him going during his nearly endless torment was a strong sense of purpose in his life. Throughout his imprisonment in the camps, Frankl dreamed of writing a book about finding meaning even in the bleakest of circumstances. He actually visualized himself in the future lecturing to an audience about the psychology of a concentration camp inmate. When he was finally released at the end of the war, he found that his pregnant wife, his parents and his brother had all died in the camps. The grief and misery he experienced is hard to fathom, but he forged on and completed his incredible book in nine days.

Frankl spent the rest of his long life trying to help others find meaning from their suffering. One of his many friends and admirers was Harold S. Kushner, author of another incredible book, "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" which is based on Kushner's real-life journey of trying to cope and understand the death of his own son. Frankl and Kushner are two great examples of the power of individuals to overcome immense tragedy, find meaning and help others from their experience.

Thinking back to my own miscarriages, some of the most helpful support came from others who had experienced miscarriage too and were able to reach out to me in my grief. One of the greatest letters I received was from a friend of my mother's who had also experienced three miscarriages prior to adopting one child and then giving birth to two other children. She wrote to me that the pain of her miscarriages helped make her a much more grateful and patient parent as she could never forget how deeply she had longed for her beloved children. I find the same is now true for me. l know that while my suffering was unavoidable, it helped me develop an inner strength and resilience that I would not have achieved had I never experienced such deep personal loss.

Viktor Frankl believed in the fundamental ability of all of us to "turn tragedy into triumph" by finding a sense of purpose in our lives and finding meaning from our suffering. If you are struggling to find meaning, I've included a couple of exercises to try to help:

• Imagine yourself in the future. What do you want your life to look like? What can you learn from your current experience to help you create the life you want?
  
• Imagine it is many years from now, you are approaching the end of your life. How do you want to be remembered?

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

The Amazing Benefits of TLC

When I had my third consecutive miscarriage, I joined the ranks of approximately 1% of fertile couples who experience recurrent early pregnancy losses--defined as three or more miscarriages in a row. It is an elite club that no one wants to be a member of. Kirk and I underwent every test imaginable to try to find out why this kept happening, but much to our dismay no medical explanation was found.

One of my lowest moments came shortly after my third miscarriage when I was walking alone to the lab to get some more blood work done. As I glanced down at my medical chart I noticed under my problem list the phrase "habitual aborter". It took me a moment to understand that I was the "habitual aborter" in question. I had read that recurrent miscarriage is also called "habitual abortion" and had been repulsed by the term but had naively never expected to be labeled in this way. That label conjured up all sorts of negative images in my mind. I was already consumed with self-loathing and blame over my miscarriages. To be labeled in a way that made me feel that the medical professionals I trusted viewed me as someone who was "habitually" and purposefully doing away with my pregnancies felt intolerable.

It was the final straw in my dealings with a physicians' practice that I felt had treated me with disrespect and disdain for the last time. As low as I felt in that moment, that spark of anger I felt on that miserable day was my first step towards taking my power back. I vowed to myself that when I felt strong enough to try to get pregnant again, I would find a Doctor who I felt respected by, listened to, and who would work in partnership with me rather than view me as a problem to be fixed.

I spent the next six months doing a ton of grief work and inner work. The book "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" by Dr. Christiane Northrup, was a huge help to me during this time. I also did a lot of research on what types of treatments can help create a positive pregnancy outcome for women who have suffered multiple miscarriages when no medical explanation can be found. I found much exciting work in this area but perhaps the most amazing research findings were the small number of studies showing incredibly positive results for women given strong positive support in early pregnancy.

Dubbed the TLC (Tender Loving Care) Approach, the results were staggering. One study showed that among couples who experienced recurrent miscarriage where no medical cause could be determined, women receiving supportive counseling and psychological support during pregnancy had a subsequent pregnancy success rate of 86%, as compared with a success rate of 33% for women who received no specific pregnancy counseling or support. Another study found that TLC support in early pregnancy resulted in the women receiving such support as having a 26% miscarriage rate in their next pregnancy, compared with a 51% miscarriage rate for those women who did not receive TLC support.

I was buoyed by these results and became determined to find a doctor overflowing with TLC. I was blessed to find a gem of a doctor who spent over an hour with me on my initial consultation visit. He let me cry as I explained the pain of enduring three miscarriages and he gently pointed out that it was actually a strength that I could get pregnant so often and easily. I truly believe my work with him, and a small practice of Nurse-Midwives also abundant with TLC-- were huge factors in my fourth and fifth pregnancies being successful.

Need more TLC? I'm overflowing with it! Feel free to e-mail me at annemarie@miscarriagesupportsystem.com with any questions or to set up an initial consultation.

References

Clifford K, Rai R, and Regan L (1997) Future pregnancy outcome in unexplained recurrent first trimester miscarriage. Human Reproduction 12, 387-389.

Jauniaux E, Farquharson R G, Christiansen O B, and Exalto N (2006) Evidence-based guidelines for the investigation and medical treatment of recurrent miscarriage. Human Reproduction 21, No.9 2216-2222.

Stray-Pedersen B and Stray-Pedersen S (1984) Etiological factors and subsequent reproductive performance in 195 couples with a prior history of habitual abortion. American Journal Obstet Gynecol 148,140-146.

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Anger: It's Trying To Tell Us Something

Anger can be a really scary emotion. When anger leads to violence it is always unacceptable. But when something horrible happens in our lives, like miscarriage, anger is a natural reaction. Often sadness and fear are buried more deeply under the anger and will surface when the anger has been acknowledged, felt and released.

Part of my own personal growth, and what I help teach others, is believing that we have a right to our feelings. If we are feeling angry, we need to give ourselves permission to feel the anger. We must learn to tell ourselves that if we are feeling a certain way then there is good reason for this. Giving ourselves permission to feel our feelings is empowering and an essential part of our healing process.

I used to feel guilty whenever I felt angry, I would tell myself that I must have done something wrong to feel anger at someone else and I would practically beat myself up with my own thoughts. I no longer do this. I have learned to trust in myself so that when I become angry I know that I have reason to feel this way. Here are some useful steps when dealing with anger:

1) Acknowledge your anger.

Try not be afraid of your anger. Anger is an important indicator that something has happened that feels extremely unfair and undeserved. It can also be an important motivator to make necessary changes in our life. Anger gets our attention and is our body's way of saying, "What just happened is pretty important! Do not ignore me!"

2) Figure out what happened to make you feel angry.

Try to pinpoint exactly when and why you started to feel angry. Is it triggering any old wounds from your past? With miscarriage, many of us feel angry about the lack of control we suddenly feel with our own bodies. Or we look around at other women who seemingly are not great mothers and we feel angry that we were denied our child while these women were not. The anger I felt over that particular injustice felt massive during my grief.

3) Be compassionate with yourself in your anger.

Do not feel guilty about feeling angry. You have every right to feel the way you feel. I remember when I started to get real with myself after my third miscarriage, just sitting in bed with my journal writing furiously about all of the pain I had experienced in the past year-- then looking down at all that I had written and thinking, "No one would like this! This really stinks! No wonder I'm having a hard time, this would be hard for anyone!" Acknowledging to myself how hard my life had become and letting myself feel angry about the pain of my circumstances was freeing.

4) Release your anger.

Being able to express our anger calmly is a talent that no one is perfect at all the time. Often if we are angry at another person, it is really helpful to take a break until we are calmer and can participate in a rational discussion. Stating to the other person, "I'm really feeling angry right now. I want to talk with you when I'm calmer" can work wonders. It gets your feelings out there but allows you the time to get clear. It will also help avoid saying something in the heat of anger that you will regret later. Once you are able to calmly express your feelings and are able to listen to the other person, anger can begin to be worked through.

In the case of miscarriage, a traumatic life event rather than another person is at the root of our anger. Writing about our anger and talking openly about it will begin to put our anger out in the open where it can be acknowledged, experienced, and released.

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Are You Getting Enough Support?

The grief of miscarriage is unique in many ways. Because many people may not even know we were pregnant, insensitive comments may seemingly come from everywhere. Others close to us, who know about our loss, may try to offer advice. Advice, no matter how well-intentioned, is often the last thing we need after a loss. Research shows that women have a more difficult recovery after miscarriage when we do not receive consistently empathetic and positive support. Although a good support group can offer us the understanding and empathy we crave, many of us are reluctant to join. Here are some of the more common reasons:

• We may feel so alone that the thought of reaching out for help can feel too overwhelming.
• It is common to worry that the people in the group might judge us or that we might not "click" with them.
• Having the energy to put ourselves out there when we feel fragile or beaten up by life can feel nearly impossible.
• We may spend a lot of time trying to deny or minimize our pain so actually taking the step to join a group can make our loss more real-- which can feel scary.

If you have been thinking about joining a support group, it can be one of the most nurturing decisions you can make for yourself. Here's just a few of the benefits:

1) You will realize you are not alone.
Struggling with difficult life events is normal. Although we all feel lonely and isolated at times, being with people who are struggling with a similar issue can help us realize that we are actually not alone at all. The pain we all feel at certain points in our life can trick us into feeling that no one else has ever felt as low or as desperate as we feel. If a group is facilitated properly, trust among the group members will build slowly over time and sharing our true, deep feelings with each other will eventually feel natural and safe. As sharing increases, it is common to feel a sense of amazement that others share similar experiences and that what we are feeling is not so out of the ordinary. Feeling deeply understood and supported is the greatest antidote to loneliness and isolation.

2) You will learn so much about yourself.
When joining a new group, many of us may feel a bit removed and possibly like we do not have that much in common with the other group members. This is a natural coping mechanism to try to protect ourselves until we feel safe within the group. Over time, as trust builds in the group, you will often begin to see that you have more in common than you initially thought. Recognizing our own traits in others can teach us so much about what is working well in our life and also what we may want to work on changing. As the other group members get to know our inner struggles-- their feedback, insight, and support can be so helpful in gaining a new understanding and awareness of ourselves.


3) You will gain strength from others.
As group members become more comfortable with each other and begin to share more openly, it often becomes easy to see how hard many of us are on ourselves. We are often harder on ourselves than we would ever be on someone else. Being able to see this inner-critic in others can help us to realize how destructive this pattern is for all of us. Knowing and caring about others who are struggling and working through the same issues can help give us a greater sense of hope. Seeing the strength in others and having them acknowledge the strength they see in us can help us begin to see how strong and resilient we actually are. All of the strength and answers we need are already inside of us, sometimes it just takes a caring group to help us see this reality more clearly.


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