Are you doing this every day?

I talk a lot about how my miscarriages changed my life. The pain, fear and uncertainty of that period caused me to question everything I had once thought to be true. As a result, I discarded a lot of old beliefs that were no longer serving me. My healing started me on a new path of viewing life as a journey of self-discovery and growth. One practice that I adopted back then that has become a daily practice for me is forgiveness.

I used to be a huge grudge-holder until I realized that my unwillingness to forgive others was all tied up in my unwillingness to forgive myself. I held so many rigid beliefs in my mind about what was right and wrong that I was constantly feeling guilty about breaking all of my self-imposed rules. My self-esteem was in a shambles because I was holding myself to impossibly high standards that no one could possibly meet. My relationships were mostly unsatisfying as well because I felt continuously disappointed by others since no one could ever live up to my impossibly high expectations.

When I learned to start forgiving myself, it was like someone was suddenly shining a flashlight into a dark room. All of sudden I became aware of how my relentless judgement of myself and others was poisoning my life and my relationships. I had held so much blame and guilt towards myself for my miscarriages that forgiving myself became a huge step towards healing. As I learned to forgive myself for my pregnancy losses, it became easier for me to start seeing all of the other areas in my life where I was holding on to blame and guilt and punishing myself repeatedly.

When you get into the habit of forgiving yourself every day, forgiving other people becomes so much easier. Vow to make forgiveness part of your daily routine. Instead of beating yourself up when you make a mistake, you can say to yourself, "Well, that was not so great but I am trying the best I can." If you hurt someone, acknowledge your mistake and ask for forgiveness. Knowing you are doing the best you can allows you to start trusting that everyone else around you is doing the best they can. If someone says something hurtful to you, recognize that their negativity is a reflection of what is going on inside of them rather than anything that has to do with you.

Understand that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Holding on to anger or resentment with another person is giving the object of your anger way too much power. When you can release that anger and say simply, "I am no longer letting this person have power over me. I am moving on"- it is tremendously freeing and empowering. I used to be one of those people who would become enraged when I was driving and someone would cut me off. I started practicing saying whenever someone did this, "How terrible for that person to be in such a terrible rush." It helped me learn to develop empathy for the other driver rather than rage.

Think of your own life. Are you holding on to any anger towards yourself? Are you filled with guilt or blame over anything? Sit with these questions for awhile. It may help to write down your answers or say them out loud. Allow yourself to see that it is time to forgive yourself. You do not need to punish yourself any longer. Allow yourself to be forgiven. Now think of anyone else in your life who you may feel angry towards. Go through the same process and decide that you are going to release any power they still hold over you. Give yourself the gift of adding forgiveness to your daily routine, the difference it will make in your life and in your relationships will astound you.

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