As a teenager and into my twenties, I was a big grudge holder. I used to proudly state, "I forgive but I don't forget" and while I had no real sense of what true forgiveness entailed I would hang on to every perceived slight and injustice that was done to me.
The pain of my recurrent miscarriages transformed my life in so many ways. I struggled with tremendous feelings of sadness and depression following my third and final miscarriage. In my quest for healing I stumbled upon the concept that depression was actually feelings of anger and rage turned inward. As I let this concept sink in I realized how truly angry I was.
I was angry at nearly everyone around me but most of all I was angry at myself. I blamed myself and my body so much for my pregnancy losses. Many of us can be so hard on ourselves and others. I tried so hard to work through my anger but nothing really helped until I came across an incredible meditation by Stephen Levine. Its in his amazing is book, "Guided Meditations, Explorations and Healings" (New York, Doubleday, 1991). His beautiful meditation was tremendously healing for me.
If you find yourself holding on to feelings of anger towards someone else or even yourself, I recommend taking some time when you are ready and reading some meditations on forgiveness. Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself because holding onto feelings of resentment and blame will damage you physically and emotionally over time. Our ability to forgive ourselves and others is our healing power.
Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved
Friday, September 25, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Sharing Our Stories
Some of you may know that I am in the process of writing a book about miscarriage which has been a wonderful and challenging endeavor for me. It has been tremendously healing for me to tell my story in the hopes of helping others. In hearing from other women who have experienced miscarriage, I am learning that we all have our own compelling story. Part of the deep pain of losing a baby is the loneliness and isolation so many of us feel. Yet there seem to be so many common elements in our shared experiences.
So many of us have experienced those closest to us often feeling awkward about how to comfort us in our sorrow. Many end up saying nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing, which leaves us unfortunately feeling like they don't care or are oblivious to our loss. Other brave souls who do decide to broach the subject with us may indeed say something unintentionally hurtful. We all feel tremendously vulnerable after miscarriage, so a comment that may normally roll off our backs in better times, may feel like a knife wound during times of sorrow. By sharing these experiences with each other, we learn that we are not as alone as we feared, and we can learn more effective ways of handling our common struggles.
Many women have shared the common experience of having a hard time going to baby showers after their miscarriages. I felt the same way after my miscarriages, but felt I must be the only one who felt this way and was deeply ashamed of my feelings. Every baby shower invitation I received would cause an intense internal struggle. Of course I was happy for the expectant couple, but how I longed for the same joy that they were experiencing! I would try to picture myself at the shower, and the mere thought of that would produce tremendous anxiety and sorrow. The thought of going shopping into an actual baby store and picking out a gift for yet another baby that was not my own felt like enough to send me over the edge. I feared that if I attended, I would end up sobbing uncontrollably, reveal to the rest of the world that I was indeed the crazy woman I felt like inside and ruin the mother-to-be's happy day. In light of all of that, I learned to politely decline these invitations during my intense grief.
The baby shower struggle is just one of many common dilemmas for so many of us after miscarriage. Not feeling safe to talk about these struggles can make me us feel even more alone and isolated. In my thoughts, I would chastise myself for being "selfish" and not being able to get out of my own way to celebrate someone else's good fortune. That kind of criticism of ourselves is so common yet so cruel and unjustified.
Healing comes when we learn to be honest about our feelings and refuse to judge ourselves so harshly. When we validate our feelings, we see that it is completely understandable that baby showers would be difficult for us. There is nothing selfish about being in touch with our feelings and taking care of ourselves accordingly. Through sharing our stories with each other, we learn to understand that we are not alone in our feelings and experiences. This mutual sharing helps us treat ourselves and each other more compassionately.
Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved
So many of us have experienced those closest to us often feeling awkward about how to comfort us in our sorrow. Many end up saying nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing, which leaves us unfortunately feeling like they don't care or are oblivious to our loss. Other brave souls who do decide to broach the subject with us may indeed say something unintentionally hurtful. We all feel tremendously vulnerable after miscarriage, so a comment that may normally roll off our backs in better times, may feel like a knife wound during times of sorrow. By sharing these experiences with each other, we learn that we are not as alone as we feared, and we can learn more effective ways of handling our common struggles.
Many women have shared the common experience of having a hard time going to baby showers after their miscarriages. I felt the same way after my miscarriages, but felt I must be the only one who felt this way and was deeply ashamed of my feelings. Every baby shower invitation I received would cause an intense internal struggle. Of course I was happy for the expectant couple, but how I longed for the same joy that they were experiencing! I would try to picture myself at the shower, and the mere thought of that would produce tremendous anxiety and sorrow. The thought of going shopping into an actual baby store and picking out a gift for yet another baby that was not my own felt like enough to send me over the edge. I feared that if I attended, I would end up sobbing uncontrollably, reveal to the rest of the world that I was indeed the crazy woman I felt like inside and ruin the mother-to-be's happy day. In light of all of that, I learned to politely decline these invitations during my intense grief.
The baby shower struggle is just one of many common dilemmas for so many of us after miscarriage. Not feeling safe to talk about these struggles can make me us feel even more alone and isolated. In my thoughts, I would chastise myself for being "selfish" and not being able to get out of my own way to celebrate someone else's good fortune. That kind of criticism of ourselves is so common yet so cruel and unjustified.
Healing comes when we learn to be honest about our feelings and refuse to judge ourselves so harshly. When we validate our feelings, we see that it is completely understandable that baby showers would be difficult for us. There is nothing selfish about being in touch with our feelings and taking care of ourselves accordingly. Through sharing our stories with each other, we learn to understand that we are not alone in our feelings and experiences. This mutual sharing helps us treat ourselves and each other more compassionately.
Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved
Friday, September 11, 2009
Anniversary Reactions
This sad occasion of the eighth anniversary of the September 11th attacks got me thinking about anniversary reactions and how powerful these can be for so many of us. If you are unfamiliar with the concept of anniversary reactions, they are feelings of grief and sadness that can pop up on the anniversary of a traumatic event. While so many of us feel a deep sense of sadness and somberness today, for those who lost someone they loved on this day, the pain and loss touches them to the core.
Miscarriage is a devastating loss for many of us and anniversary reactions are common with miscarriage too. October 18th, December 13th, March 3rd. These dates may be just random dates for you, or they may be dates of special significance- maybe the birthday or wedding anniversary of someone you know or perhaps even your own special day. For me, these are the dates of my three miscarriages. You may have your own similar dates that hold equally sad significance for you. One woman shared with me that she rarely remembered the dates of her miscarriages, but she always remembered the due dates of when her children should have been born had the pregnancies not ended in miscarriages. These due dates often triggered anniversary reactions in her. Some women do not remember specific dates but remember the general time of year that the miscarriage occurred and experience anniversary reactions around that same time each year. For some, anniversaries are not an issue at all- but if anniversaries are a challenging time for you, here are some guidelines for coping:
Miscarriage is a devastating loss for many of us and anniversary reactions are common with miscarriage too. October 18th, December 13th, March 3rd. These dates may be just random dates for you, or they may be dates of special significance- maybe the birthday or wedding anniversary of someone you know or perhaps even your own special day. For me, these are the dates of my three miscarriages. You may have your own similar dates that hold equally sad significance for you. One woman shared with me that she rarely remembered the dates of her miscarriages, but she always remembered the due dates of when her children should have been born had the pregnancies not ended in miscarriages. These due dates often triggered anniversary reactions in her. Some women do not remember specific dates but remember the general time of year that the miscarriage occurred and experience anniversary reactions around that same time each year. For some, anniversaries are not an issue at all- but if anniversaries are a challenging time for you, here are some guidelines for coping:
- Accept your feelings without judgement. Some years, an anniversary will pass and I will not even remember until days after that it had been one of those dreaded dates. Other times, I am deeply aware of the approaching date, and breathe a sigh of relief when the day passes by. I used to feel guilty if an anniversary went by and I did not remember it. It was yet another way for me to punish myself for a loss that I felt at a very deep and unconscious level was my fault. The sense of blame many of us carry around with us is destructive and undeserved. Learning to forgive ourselves and being easy on ourselves is essential for healing.
- TLC ( Tender Loving Care) is always appropriate. I now schedule these dates well in advance as days off from work every year. I used to try to work on these dates and often found myself either getting sick, or feeling really drained and resentful about helping others on a day where I often felt unable to get out of my own way. Then I remembered that its really a waste of time to be aggravated that others are not taking care of me in the way that I need when its my job to take care of myself. I have learned to nurture myself in whatever way I need on those days. Some years I just stay in my pajamas and rest (without guilt), other years I enjoy the company of those closest to me, or I treat myself to a massage or pedicure. I have learned to let go of any pre-conceived notions of how I will feel on that day or what I will want to do. I just go with the flow and do whatever feels the most nurturing to me in the moment. I am a strong believer that you can not take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself. These days are good reminders to do just that.
- Do something positive to remember. I love the idea of planting a tree, or some beautiful perennial flowers that will bloom every year. Its a wonderful, living tribute to the memory of the baby that was loved so much. Others have shared that writing a poem or buying or creating a work of art in memory of their baby serve as a beautiful, tangible reminder that love lives on.
- Remember, this too shall pass. On those anniversaries that are especially hard, it can often feel like a thick grey fog of depression envelops us on that day. When we honor our needs, and treat ourselves with patience and kindness, this anniversary-related fog often lifts as suddenly as it appeared.
Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved
Friday, September 4, 2009
Remember Your Power
Sometimes just the daily stresses of life can make us feel tired and vulnerable. When a devastating life event like miscarriage occurs, our sense of powerlessness may feel overwhelming. In an effort to heal more quickly, we may run away from our painful feelings or minimize our feelings of loss. No matter how tempting this strategy may be, it never helps in the long run. Here are a couple of tips to remember when we start feeling those sinking feelings of powerlessness.
- Take an inventory. Sit quietly with yourself and go over all that has been going on in your life. If you enjoy writing- simply jotting down what has been happening for you can be a real eye-opener. You may look at your list and think, "Well of course I'm feeling stressed, look at all that I'm dealing with". Validating for yourself the challenge of your current circumstance is an important first step in feeling empowered.
- Trust that there is great learning in this experience. As much as I love when I am feeling blissfully happy, high-energy and productive, there is great wisdom in patiently supporting ourselves through the difficult times in life. Often we need time to sit with our feelings in order to figure out what our next steps will be. Be patient with yourself in this process and know that the answers will come to you.
- Remember that power and strength come from how we choose to respond to the difficulties that come our way. It is not about having a problem-free life. Losing a baby can be one of the most painful experiences that a person can endure. Facing our fear and pain is never easy. But it is our ability to face our fears and live through them that will help us heal and continue to grow in strength.
- Recognize your courage. I stumbled upon the following quote by Mary Anne Radmacher, "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes Courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." I really like this quote because it captures how unglamorous real courage often is. Sometimes courage is just the act of waking up to another day and doing our best to try to continue to live our lives in the presence of intense sadness and grief. It's acknowledging that things are difficult right now but refusing to give up no matter how much we may want to. When faced with a profound loss, our ability to face the pain and feel it completely takes great courage. Getting through the tough times in life makes us stronger, more substantial human beings and leaves us better-equipped to enjoy the fabulous times that await us.
Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved
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