It's Okay To Say "No"...

In fact, its even more than okay, its actually healthy to say "No"- and say it often! Prior to my miscarriages, I was a definite people-pleaser. Whenever anyone asked me to do anything, I would nearly always say "yes" whether I really wanted to or not. As a result, anger and resentment would build up inside me. Outwardly, I projected a mask of cheerfulness and compliance, while inwardly I was unhappy and often seething with aggravation and annoyance. Through my own inner work and work with other women, I have learned that putting aside our own feelings in order to help the people around us is a huge issue for many of us. We may feel guilty about saying "no", fear that others will be disappointed or angry with us, or that they will judge us harshly as a result. Yet when we engage in this type of behavior, we are not doing ourselves or anyone else any favors. Many of us were raised as children to do as we were told and to be "good girls". The danger of this is that over time, we can lose touch with who we are and what we truly want. We get so busy trying to meet others' expectations that we lose sight of what we want and need. Ignoring our own needs can wreak havoc on our emotional and physical health over time. The following steps will help you learn to listen to your inner wisdom and set appropriate limits for yourself.

1) Pause before responding. There is no rule that says that when someone asks you to do something that you have to answer them right away. Pausing will give you the reprieve you need to get clear with yourself about how you really feel. There is nothing wrong with saying something like, "I would love to help but I really need to think about whether I have time for that right now. I'll get back to you."

2) Honor your own needs. When you are tempted to take on something new, do an inventory of what you are already committed to doing. If your schedule is already pretty tight, is there something that you would be willing to let go of in order to take this new task on? Ask yourselves the following questions: Do I really have the time to devote to this? Is this a one time request or will it entail ongoing responsibilities? For instance, being asked to fill in for one night at a soup kitchen is different then being asked to join a book group that meets once a month. What is your immediate reaction to the request? Is it excitement over the prospect of taking on something new or are you filled with dread about being asked? Listen to those instincts. The more you learn to trust yourself and listen to yourself, the more you will be able to spend your time on things that bring energy in and bring you joy. I love my work and helping others, but I also have learned that I am at my best and my life runs the smoothest when I give myself plenty of time to rest and recharge.

3) Refuse to compare yourself to others. For many years I had a very bad habit of comparing myself to others. I was convinced everyone else had a happier marriage, cleaner home, more money--you name it, I thought it. Through working with a talented therapist, joining groups, and having deep friendships with many over-achieving types, I have learned that everyone has their issues. I have worked hard to create a life that is incredible and filled with love and abundance, but I have accepted that it will never be perfect. There is no problem-free life for anyone, no matter how wonderful they appear to the outside world. I eventually learned that I feel the most balanced and content when I resist the urge to compare myself to others. Some people may thrive on being constantly busy, but if you are not one of those people, give yourself permission to be who you are.

4) Recognize that when you say "no", you are giving someone else the opportunity to say "yes". You may feel overwhelmed by the request to help paint the sets for the local theater company's upcoming production, but for someone else this might be the perfect opportunity to let their creativity shine. A few years ago, a request went out at work for someone to come up with a monthly presentation for new employees. My co-workers groaned at the request but I jumped at the opportunity as I was excited to work on my public speaking and presentation skills. I felt grateful to be asked. If you really do not want to do something, trust that it will be the perfect opportunity for someone else. Release yourself from the false belief that you are the only one who can do it.

5) Be a role-model. By knowing your limits and sticking with them, you will be role-modeling for others that it is okay for them to set limits too. And remember, people respect honesty. When you are in touch with your own feelings and limits, trust that everyone else will respond accordingly. The more you practice checking in with yourself about what you want and need, the easier and more automatic it will become. I have made a ton of progress in this area, but despite my best efforts, I still sometimes find myself trying to do too many things at once. Be kind and gentle with yourself at these times. Trust in the fact that although you are overwhelmed in the moment, this too shall pass. Maybe there is someone close to you who has been wanting to help and who will be honored you asked. If they say, 'no'-- refuse to take it personally. Praise yourself for being strong enough to recognize you need help and for asking for what you need.


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