Finding Peace (through the stages of grief)

The concept of "stages of grief" was first introduced in 1969 in the book, "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a psychiatrist working with terminal cancer patients. Kubler-Ross noticed that her patients went through a similar process prior to death which she termed the"five stages of grief". Elisabeth Kubler-Ross died in 2004 just after completing her final book with David Kessler called, "On Grief and Grieving" in which the stages are further applied to anyone coping with any major loss. When you suffer a significant loss you may experience more than one stage at a time or fluctuate back and forth between the stages. Remind yourself that whatever you are feeling is okay and understandable. When you allow yourself to understand and experience the stages of grief- you can find peace.

1) Denial. This is a common first stage. Denial is actually a protective coping strategy that allows you a period of disbelief in which you try to come to grips with what has just occurred. It may be too traumatic for your system to absorb your loss all at once, so denial actually gives you the time and space to absorb the shock of what is actually happening. As the reality of your loss begins to sink in, denial becomes less helpful and you may begin to move on to the next stages, including--

2) Anger. The unfairness of your loss may feel all-consuming. You may feel angry at others or yourself and unfairly blame yourself for the loss. You may feel guilty for feeling angry if you were socialized to feel that anger is not okay. Try to get rid of the guilt and give yourself permission to feel your anger completely. Sometimes journaling or talking about your feelings can help. You may need to release your anger in a physical, non-harmful way. Exercise is a great way to release stress and anger. So is taking a walk alone and finding a solitary place where you can scream for as long as you need to. If you feel stuck in anger, spend time asking yourself what you need to do to release your anger. Stuffing or denying your angry feelings never works, as the anger will come out in other ways, until it is fully experienced and released.

3) Bargaining. This stage entails a lot of internal struggling. You may dwell in the past and become consumed with thoughts about what you might have done differently to avoid the loss. You may think "if only this hadn't happened, everything would be fine." If you believe in God or a higher power you may find yourself praying for relief from your grief. I remember praying to God to please let me have just one healthy child. I promised God I would be the most grateful, wonderful mother in the world and never ask for anything ever again. Bargaining entails quite a bit of magical thinking and involves the false sense that you have control over preventing something that has already happened. Once you finally accept the fact that there is no bargaining away your pain, the next stage often sets in...

4) Depression. Depression can be compared to a big, dark, lonely hole. It can be a terrible place to visit, but it is an important part of your healing process. The sadness you feel over your loss, just like anger, can not be ignored. In order to heal from your pain, you must acknowledge your sadness. It can be extremely difficult for the people closest to you to allow you to feel depressed without trying to "fix it" for you. When others try to cheer you up, or minimize your sadness- this is exactly the opposite of what is needed. If you feel as if others are rushing you through your sadness this may cause resentment and may further intensify your feelings of loneliness and isolation.
With miscarriage, the sadness of an unrealized dream can feel profound. As soon as you see that positive pregnancy result, you start dreaming of your baby. The idea that you have lost someone precious that you will never get to meet can feel unbearable. If your feelings of depression feel overwhelming and prolonged-- seek out help. Remember, there is no shame in asking for help-- the real shame is knowing that help is available and refusing to accept that help.

5) Acceptance. This final stage does not necessarily mean that you are okay with what has happened, but it does mean that you have come to a place of learning to live with your new reality. You can heal and grow stronger when you learn to honor all of your feelings and feel them completely. It is often at this stage that you may want to find ways to honor what you have lost. With miscarriage, acceptance can come in a variety of forms. Many women have shared that doing something positive and tangible in memory of the little life that was lost can be tremendously healing-- such as planting a tree, writing a poem, creating something artistic, or reaching out to help others in need. Trust that you will find the way that works best for you.

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