It's Not Selfish (To Take Care of Yourself)

Many of us have been programmed to believe we must take care of everyone else before we take care of ourselves. Yet if we want to create a life filled with happiness and joy, putting our needs last is a very poor strategy. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. After my miscarriages, I had to ask myself a lot of tough questions and examine my patterns of interactions with others that were not serving me well. One thing I used to do regularly was put everyone else's needs ahead of my own. As a result I often felt resentful and depleted.

Change did not come overnight but I have become much better over the years at figuring out what I want and need and practicing good self care. If this is something you struggle with, keep the following in mind:

1) Gain awareness of your behavior. Try to listen to your body and pay attention to how you feel physically and emotionally when you put others' needs ahead of your own. Do you notice a tightness and tension in your chest or another part of your body? When you give endlessly without nurturing your own needs for rest, health, love, and joy- you will eventually deplete your energy and experience all kinds of negative emotions and physical problems.

2) Notice the positive effects of taking care of yourself.
Do you feel a sense of contentment when you nurture yourself? You may realize that the things that make you happiest are often pretty simple- giving yourself time for exercise you enjoy, getting plenty of rest, and exploring your interests and passions. Notice how much lighter you feel physically and mentally when you pay attention to what you want and honor your needs. When you feel strong and nurtured, you are so much better equipped to give to others.

3) Remember, any time of loss or tumultuous period in your life always offers an opportunity for personal growth. As difficult as the painful times are, tremendous personal insight can be gained when you treat yourself with patience and compassion. Give yourself the time and space to experience all of your feelings. This time may also help you to uncover your deepest fears and desires. When you learn to honor your needs, you will allow yourself to see the truth and the tremendous gifts you already possess

Copyright 2010 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

What's That Fear About?

My daughters have the day off tomorrow in honor of the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday. We've been talking a lot about Martin Luther King, Jr., the Civil Rights Movement, and people like Rosa Parks and how brave they were. They must have been filled with incredible fear at times. But they were able to find the strength to break through their fears and as a result of their courage, so many millions of lives have been changed in a positive way. I love the image of Rosa Parks sitting in her bus seat after a long day of work and the courage it took for her to refuse to give up her seat to a white man. "I knew someone had to take the first step and I made up my mind not to move." she would later say. Her decision was filled with all sorts of negative consequences for her in that moment. Yet years later, she remains a symbol of an incredibly brave woman who stood up for what was right regardless of her fear and the negative personal consequences she had to endure.

For many of us, our greatest fear comes down to what other people will think of us. That fear of being judged by others often underlies our inability to move forward in our lives and create the change we seek. If you are feeling stuck in a certain area of your life ask yourself the following:

What am I really afraid of?

So many of us spend a huge portion of our lives running from our deepest fears. We use all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms such as eating too much, numbing ourselves with alcohol, drugs, shopping, or workaholism to try to avoid our fears. Your fear will always have control over you until you gain enough self-awareness to figure out what is at the root of your fear. It can be extremely challenging work to figure out what you are really afraid of and it involves a lot of introspection and honesty. Sometimes it will involve working with a talented therapist, coach, or mentor to help you figure out the root cause of your fear and how it is stopping you from creating the life that you want.

Part of my personal transformation after my miscarriages involved letting go of my fears and needs around pleasing other people. My struggle included learning to speak up for myself and not holding my thoughts inside for fear of what others would think. I still struggle at times, but I have learned through experience that when I begin to feel afraid to speak my mind, that an old fear has crept back in and I need to speak up and share my thoughts honestly. When we are honest with each other, even when we disagree, a deeper level of understanding and acceptance can occur.

It takes tremendous strength to face your fears and admit when you feel vulnerable. You have to ask yourself if the pain of facing your fears and creating change is stronger than the pain of remaining where you are. Life will always be filled with new struggles, challenges and opportunities. True fulfillment lies in facing our fears and finding joy in the journey.

Copyright 2010 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Where Are You Putting Your Energy?

As many of you know, my three miscarriages completely changed my life. The pain of those losses started me on a course of change and self-discovery that will continue for the rest of my life. That experience taught me that the power to change and create my own experiences lies within myself. You have this power too.

Last week's blog focused a lot about creating your vision for what your ideal life looks like. This vision will give you many clues as to where you should be putting your energy. While having a clear vision is crucial for creating the life that you want, equally important is learning to live fully and presently in every moment of your life. This will allow you to enjoy as much of life as possible without spending all of your energy focused on future events. The time to enjoy life is right now, not tomorrow, and not when all of your dreams come true. Living in the moment takes practice, but you can train yourself to do it. Here are a few tips that I have learned to incorporate as part of my daily thinking. They can make a big difference in your daily experience and in the quality of your relationships.

1) Emulate what you admire. Pay attention to what you admire in others. These are clues for you about the areas in your own life in which you'll want to focus your energy. If you admire how successful or prosperous someone is or how in shape they are, don't allow yourself to get caught up in jealousy or envy. These emotions imply that someone else has something that you can never have. Know that there is enough for all of us and that you can create whatever you want for yourself. You creating something wonderful for yourself does not take anything away from someone else.

2) Remember you can't change other people. This was one of the greatest relationship tips I ever received (and a lesson I seem to need to keep re-learning). If you are feeling critical of others, take this as a sign that you are off track. Look specifically at what is aggravating you about the other person. If you are completely honest with yourself, you may see that you are engaging in a similar pattern of behavior somewhere else in your own life. Focusing your energy on what is wrong with someone else is a great way of avoiding moving forward in your own life.

3) Get rid of the guilt. Guilt is the ultimate energy sucker. As a lifelong Catholic, I am very familiar with guilt. I used to feel guilty about everything. If you suffer from endless guilt too, try to repeat the following until it becomes your mantra, "Guilt is a waste of time and energy." If you are feeling guilty about something, spend some time figuring out the root cause of what led you to take the action that is now causing you guilt and regret. Find compassion for yourself, forgive yourself, and move on with greater self-awareness and wisdom. All of the energy formerly spent on guilt can now be channeled into making positive changes in your life.

Copyright 2010 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Moving Through Uncertainty

A turning point in my grief came one night on the phone with my brother, Dominic, a physician. It was several months after my third miscarriage and after countless medical tests and invasive procedures, no cause could be found for any of my pregnancy losses. My mood vacillated between sadness, numbness and anger. I was exhausting myself with my inability to move forward but felt powerless to move beyond my pain. I felt certain that if someone in the medical profession could just tell me the reason "why" I had miscarried three times (and be able to guarantee that I would never miscarry again), I would finally have my answers and be able to move beyond my grief.

In his calm and loving way, Dominic read to me from one of his medical books which stated that in a large percentage of early miscarriages a cause is never found. "Annemarie, you have to accept the fact that you will probably never know why any of your miscarriages happened. You'll have to learn to live without ever knowing why."

The power of his words were a shock to my system and opened up even more layers of grief for me. "How will I ever be able to heal and find closure if I never know why?," I wondered. The whole concept seemed impossible, but started helping me to get unstuck because it allowed me to begin to let go of an unanswerable question. Letting go of the "why" helped me to focus my attention where it needed to be- on my loss and the depth of my feelings surrounding all that I had lost.

As I worked through my pain, I began to ask myself different questions. I spent time writing down my answers and visualizing what I had written. It amazes me to go over the answers I wrote all of those years ago and see that I have created for myself the life I envisioned back then.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• "If you were in the best possible health, how would you feel and look?" "How can you create this for yourself?"

• "If you could have the life of your dreams what would it look like? Where would you live? What would your home be like? What would you do for work? What would your relationships be like? How much money would you like to make?"
  
  This is a powerful exercise to gain clarity about what you want. The exercise helped me see that while I had spent so much time focused on having a child, there was so much more to my life and dreams than having children. It reminded me of my hopes and passions in all the other areas in my life. Just the act of writing down your answers, visualizing what you want, and letting yourself feel the positive emotions of receiving all that you want can feel exciting and motivating. It will help you begin to see the possibilities that exist and give you the courage to move through your uncertainty.
  
  Copyright 2010 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved