The grief of miscarriage is unique in many ways. Because many people may not even know we were pregnant, insensitive comments may seemingly come from everywhere. Others close to us, who know about our loss, may try to offer advice. Advice, no matter how well-intentioned, is often the last thing we need after a loss. Research shows that women have a more difficult recovery after miscarriage when we do not receive consistently empathetic and positive support. Although a good support group can offer us the understanding and empathy we crave, many of us are reluctant to join. Here are some of the more common reasons:
- We may feel so alone that the thought of reaching out for help can feel too overwhelming.
- It is common to worry that the people in the group might judge us or that we might not "click" with them.
- Having the energy to put ourselves out there when we feel fragile or beaten up by life can feel nearly impossible.
- We may spend a lot of time trying to deny or minimize our pain so actually taking the step to join a group can make our loss more real-- which can feel scary.
If you have been thinking about joining a support group, it can be one of the most nurturing decisions you can make for yourself. Here's just a few of the benefits:
1) You will realize you are not alone.
Struggling with difficult life events is normal. Although we all feel lonely and isolated at times, being with people who are struggling with a similar issue can help us realize that we are actually not alone at all. The pain we all feel at certain points in our life can trick us into feeling that no one else has ever felt as low or as desperate as we feel. If a group is facilitated properly, trust among the group members will build slowly over time and sharing our true, deep feelings with each other will eventually feel natural and safe. As sharing increases, it is common to feel a sense of amazement that others share similar experiences and that what we are feeling is not so out of the ordinary. Feeling deeply understood and supported is the greatest antidote to loneliness and isolation.
2) You will learn so much about yourself.
When joining a new group, many of us may feel a bit removed and possibly like we do not have that much in common with the other group members. This is a natural coping mechanism to try to protect ourselves until we feel safe within the group. Over time, as trust builds in the group, you will often begin to see that you have more in common than you initially thought. Recognizing our own traits in others can teach us so much about what is working well in our life and also what we may want to work on changing. As the other group members get to know our inner struggles-- their feedback, insight, and support can be so helpful in gaining a new understanding and awareness of ourselves.
3) You will gain strength from others.
As group members become more comfortable with each other and begin to share more openly, it often becomes easy to see how hard many of us are on ourselves. We are often harder on ourselves than we would ever be on someone else. Being able to see this inner-critic in others can help us to realize how destructive this pattern is for all of us. Knowing and caring about others who are struggling and working through the same issues can help give us a greater sense of hope. Seeing the strength in others and having them acknowledge the strength they see in us can help us begin to see how strong and resilient we actually are. All of the strength and answers we need are already inside of us, sometimes it just takes a caring group to help us see this reality more clearly.
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