Anger: It's Trying To Tell Us Something

Anger can be a really scary emotion. When anger leads to violence it is always unacceptable. But when something horrible happens in our lives, like miscarriage, anger is a natural reaction. Often sadness and fear are buried more deeply under the anger and will surface when the anger has been acknowledged, felt and released.

Part of my own personal growth, and what I help teach others, is believing that we have a right to our feelings. If we are feeling angry, we need to give ourselves permission to feel the anger. We must learn to tell ourselves that if we are feeling a certain way then there is good reason for this. Giving ourselves permission to feel our feelings is empowering and an essential part of our healing process.

I used to feel guilty whenever I felt angry, I would tell myself that I must have done something wrong to feel anger at someone else and I would practically beat myself up with my own thoughts. I no longer do this. I have learned to trust in myself so that when I become angry I know that I have reason to feel this way. Here are some useful steps when dealing with anger:

1) Acknowledge your anger.

Try not be afraid of your anger. Anger is an important indicator that something has happened that feels extremely unfair and undeserved. It can also be an important motivator to make necessary changes in our life. Anger gets our attention and is our body's way of saying, "What just happened is pretty important! Do not ignore me!"

2) Figure out what happened to make you feel angry.

Try to pinpoint exactly when and why you started to feel angry. Is it triggering any old wounds from your past? With miscarriage, many of us feel angry about the lack of control we suddenly feel with our own bodies. Or we look around at other women who seemingly are not great mothers and we feel angry that we were denied our child while these women were not. The anger I felt over that particular injustice felt massive during my grief.

3) Be compassionate with yourself in your anger.

Do not feel guilty about feeling angry. You have every right to feel the way you feel. I remember when I started to get real with myself after my third miscarriage, just sitting in bed with my journal writing furiously about all of the pain I had experienced in the past year-- then looking down at all that I had written and thinking, "No one would like this! This really stinks! No wonder I'm having a hard time, this would be hard for anyone!" Acknowledging to myself how hard my life had become and letting myself feel angry about the pain of my circumstances was freeing.

4) Release your anger.

Being able to express our anger calmly is a talent that no one is perfect at all the time. Often if we are angry at another person, it is really helpful to take a break until we are calmer and can participate in a rational discussion. Stating to the other person, "I'm really feeling angry right now. I want to talk with you when I'm calmer" can work wonders. It gets your feelings out there but allows you the time to get clear. It will also help avoid saying something in the heat of anger that you will regret later. Once you are able to calmly express your feelings and are able to listen to the other person, anger can begin to be worked through.

In the case of miscarriage, a traumatic life event rather than another person is at the root of our anger. Writing about our anger and talking openly about it will begin to put our anger out in the open where it can be acknowledged, experienced, and released.

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