Don't take it personally...

I just read an amazing book called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. The premise of the book is that there are four agreements which we should all live by in order to enjoy a life filled with happiness and love. There's a whole lot of wisdom in this beautiful little book that can help anyone struggling with grief or a painful life event. Don Miguel Ruiz discusses all four of the agreements in great length and I would highly recommend you pick up a copy. The four agreements are as follows:

1) Be impeccable with your word.

2) Don't take anything personally.

3) Don't make assumptions.

4) Always do your best.

A sad and unfortunate outcome of grief and suffering is often the stress they can create in our relationships. When sadness and pain overtake our lives, it is common to feel sensitive to the comments of others or to feel stuck in anger. You may feel distant from your partner, or misunderstood by even your co-workers, closest friends and family. Many women notice that many of their relationships become strained after miscarriage. People who seem insensitive to your grief can cause so much pain. In extreme cases an estrangement occurs or a friendship or relationship ends.

If you are experiencing turmoil with someone close to you, take a look at whether you are taking something personally or if you are making assumptions that are hurting you needlessly. If someone says something that offends or hurts you, trust that it has more to do with the other person than it has to do with you. By refusing to make assumptions about the other person's intent you can ask questions and clarify what you want or need.

An all too common occurrence after pregnancy loss is when someone says something like, "It's for the best," or "You can always try again". Many of you have shared how hurtful such comments can be. Try to understand in that moment that these types of comments reveal a lot more about the other person who uttered them rather than anything about you. You can decide that such an unhelpful response is the other person's issue not yours. You can also be honest by saying, "What you said struck me as really unhelpful. Are you trying to make me feel better?". Ask questions until you are clear about the other person's intent. This will help you avoid making assumptions. Clearly tell the other person what you need by saying something like "I really just need you to listen to me right now" or whatever you feel you need in that moment.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel. Allow everyone else to feel their own feelings without taking these feelings personally. Decide that if you feel hurt by someone, you will talk it through with them rather than making assumptions. Decide you are worth trying to put these four agreements into practice. Notice the difference it makes in your life and in your relationships.

Reference
Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements (San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen Publishing, 1997).

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved