Finding Peace (through the stages of grief)

The concept of "stages of grief" was first introduced in 1969 in the book, "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a psychiatrist working with terminal cancer patients. Kubler-Ross noticed that her patients went through a similar process prior to death which she termed the"five stages of grief". Elisabeth Kubler-Ross died in 2004 just after completing her final book with David Kessler called, "On Grief and Grieving" in which the stages are further applied to anyone coping with any major loss. When you suffer a significant loss you may experience more than one stage at a time or fluctuate back and forth between the stages. Remind yourself that whatever you are feeling is okay and understandable. When you allow yourself to understand and experience the stages of grief- you can find peace.

1) Denial. This is a common first stage. Denial is actually a protective coping strategy that allows you a period of disbelief in which you try to come to grips with what has just occurred. It may be too traumatic for your system to absorb your loss all at once, so denial actually gives you the time and space to absorb the shock of what is actually happening. As the reality of your loss begins to sink in, denial becomes less helpful and you may begin to move on to the next stages, including--

2) Anger. The unfairness of your loss may feel all-consuming. You may feel angry at others or yourself and unfairly blame yourself for the loss. You may feel guilty for feeling angry if you were socialized to feel that anger is not okay. Try to get rid of the guilt and give yourself permission to feel your anger completely. Sometimes journaling or talking about your feelings can help. You may need to release your anger in a physical, non-harmful way. Exercise is a great way to release stress and anger. So is taking a walk alone and finding a solitary place where you can scream for as long as you need to. If you feel stuck in anger, spend time asking yourself what you need to do to release your anger. Stuffing or denying your angry feelings never works, as the anger will come out in other ways, until it is fully experienced and released.

3) Bargaining. This stage entails a lot of internal struggling. You may dwell in the past and become consumed with thoughts about what you might have done differently to avoid the loss. You may think "if only this hadn't happened, everything would be fine." If you believe in God or a higher power you may find yourself praying for relief from your grief. I remember praying to God to please let me have just one healthy child. I promised God I would be the most grateful, wonderful mother in the world and never ask for anything ever again. Bargaining entails quite a bit of magical thinking and involves the false sense that you have control over preventing something that has already happened. Once you finally accept the fact that there is no bargaining away your pain, the next stage often sets in...

4) Depression. Depression can be compared to a big, dark, lonely hole. It can be a terrible place to visit, but it is an important part of your healing process. The sadness you feel over your loss, just like anger, can not be ignored. In order to heal from your pain, you must acknowledge your sadness. It can be extremely difficult for the people closest to you to allow you to feel depressed without trying to "fix it" for you. When others try to cheer you up, or minimize your sadness- this is exactly the opposite of what is needed. If you feel as if others are rushing you through your sadness this may cause resentment and may further intensify your feelings of loneliness and isolation.
With miscarriage, the sadness of an unrealized dream can feel profound. As soon as you see that positive pregnancy result, you start dreaming of your baby. The idea that you have lost someone precious that you will never get to meet can feel unbearable. If your feelings of depression feel overwhelming and prolonged-- seek out help. Remember, there is no shame in asking for help-- the real shame is knowing that help is available and refusing to accept that help.

5) Acceptance. This final stage does not necessarily mean that you are okay with what has happened, but it does mean that you have come to a place of learning to live with your new reality. You can heal and grow stronger when you learn to honor all of your feelings and feel them completely. It is often at this stage that you may want to find ways to honor what you have lost. With miscarriage, acceptance can come in a variety of forms. Many women have shared that doing something positive and tangible in memory of the little life that was lost can be tremendously healing-- such as planting a tree, writing a poem, creating something artistic, or reaching out to help others in need. Trust that you will find the way that works best for you.

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Give Yourself a Gift

I have always loved this time of year. However the year that I miscarried right before Christmas- the holidays became unbearably bleak and lonely. I remember decorating the tree listening to Christmas music and crying because the song "Baby's First Christmas" came on. I had always thought it was a corny song but that year it became a cruel reminder of all that I had lost. I felt slapped by the reality that everywhere I turned it seemed as if everyone else was blissfully celebrating during the exact lowest moment in my life. I could not wait for the holidays to be over that year. You may be feeling that way this year. If so, here are a few tips to help you take care of yourself so you can get through the holidays as painlessly as possible:

1) Honor your feelings. Remind yourself you have a right to all of your feelings including your anger and sadness. The holidays are often very focused on children, so this time of year may feel especially painful and even intensify your feelings of loss. You may feel pressured by others to get into the "holiday spirit" which may feel impossible. Whatever you are feeling is completely understandable. You are grieving a tremendous loss- the loss of a child you loved and never got to meet, and the loss of a dream.

2) Put yourself first. Don't worry about ruining the holidays for others, just try to figure out what will be the most helpful for you and then go with it. What feels helpful may change from minute to minute, and that's okay. It's okay to not want to be around crowds of people. Don't force yourself to pretend that you are feeling fine if you are not. Our culture does not deal well with death and miscarriage is often an unrecognized loss. You may feel pressured by others to get over your grief quickly. Understand that if you feel this pressure from others that this is a reflection of their own issue and ignorance rather than anything that you are doing wrong.

3) Be kind and gentle with yourself. Pay attention to your inner voice. Are you criticizing yourself, blaming yourself, or being impatient with yourself? Vow to take a zero tolerance approach to any kind of self-criticism. Treat yourself as you would someone you love deeply who has suffered a tremendous loss. You would not berate a dear friend for feeling understandably sad or angry, so do not engage in any kind of self-punishing behavior toward yourself.
Give yourself the gift of treating yourself as a treasured friend this year. It may feel difficult at first, but if you learn to make this a habit, it will help you immensely during the grief process. The gift of nurturing yourself and honoring your own needs can become the way you treat yourself for the rest of your life- a truly priceless gift.

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Surviving Anniversary Reactions

The thing about Anniversary reactions is that they can sneak up on you unexpectedly. The term "Anniversary reactions" was first created to describe the phenomenon of someone feeling grief-stricken all over again on the anniversary date that someone they loved died. Anniversary reactions can happen in regard to any traumatic event including miscarriage. Try not to judge yourself too harshly if you have a particularly difficult time at certain times of year. You may feel sad on the actual anniversary date of your miscarriage or you may have more trouble on the anniversary of your baby's due date. Here are some tips to support yourself during the low points:

1) Develop Awareness.
Noticing that you tend to feel sad or low around certain times of year is the first step toward developing awareness. No problem can be changed unless you first become aware that there is indeed a problem. Becoming aware takes a lot of self-honesty. Surround yourself with insightful and supportive people who want what is best for you and who will point out to you when you are off track. Having supportive friends and people in your life who are constantly trying to grow and change for the better will help you grow and change too. This is part of the reason support groups can be so powerful. They help develop awareness and strength by sharing your struggles and supporting each other to make positive changes.

2) Take an inventory.
Check in with yourself frequently and ask yourself what you are feeling. Are you feeling guilt, blame, shame, or regret? For years I would torture myself with all of these emotions surrounding my pregnancy losses. I learned that these were just old patterns and that when I felt these emotions it became a signal to me that I was way off track. You can train yourself to recognize that these emotions are a waste of time and energy. Refuse to participate in feeling guilty or blaming yourself. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can and vow to release the guilt and blame for good.

3) Focus on the love.
Look at the fact that you are having difficulty after miscarriage as a sign of your capacity to love. You were able to fall completely in love with someone that you were never able to meet- how incredible is that! Your capacity to love is limitless. Yet when the love you felt for that child you lost is turned back in on yourself and twisted into self-hatred and blame- the love gets lost. Try to focus on the love you felt for that little life and allow yourself to feel that love in return for yourself.
Remember there is no such thing as a problem-free life for anyone. We all have our struggles and challenges. We are all afraid and insecure at times. Our strength lies in our willingness live through the tough times in life without allowing these times to harden us. When we can focus on the love we have for ourselves and others, we can get through anything.

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Secrets of Successful Couples

The weeks and months after miscarriage or any significant loss can feel like living in a fog of grief. Understanding the stages of grief can help you be more compassionate to yourself during this time. You may feel numb- like you are just going through the motions, or sad and continuously tearful or even rageful and angry. You may feel disconnected and distant from your partner. Part of the healing process necessitates that you feel and release extremely negative emotions- this process is never easy for those closest to you. Patience and compassion for each other are essential to help you get through any turbulent time in life together successfully. Here are some tips I've learned from my own experience and in my work with others:

• Take care of yourself first. This may sound selfish, but you can not take care of someone else until you have figured out what you want and need for yourself. No one can figure out what you need except you. We each have our own jobs in every relationship. Your job is figuring out what you want and need and your partner's job is figuring out what they want and need. So much time and energy is wasted on trying to figure out how to make other people happy when this energy could be spent on making ourselves happy. When you are happy and fulfilled, you are a joy to be around and your unique gift of giving to others will flow naturally from you. Sitting around waiting for another person to make us happy is also such a waste of time. Recognizing that you are responsible for your own happiness is the greatest gift you can give to yourself and your partner.

• Get Support. Understand that you have been through a traumatic event and honor your need to work through some very difficult emotions. Everything you are feeling is justified- no matter how strange or selfish it may feel. Talking about and working through the tough emotions is never easy but it is the path to healing. When you do the heavy work of dealing with your deepest, darkest emotions- you will gain strength and self-awareness from your experience. Take advantage of one of the support groups I facilitate, or the one-on-one sessions I offer. I also offer sessions to couples. If you feel like your partner needs help but is refusing- get help on your own. When just one member of a couple grows and makes positive changes, the dynamic of the couple as a whole is transformed.

• Turn towards your partner. My favorite book on strengthening relationships is "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman, Ph.D and Nan Silver. It's a wonderful book based on Dr. Gottman's years of research on what makes some marriages thrive while others don't. He can predict with 91% accuracy which couples will divorce and which ones will stay together just by observing them argue for five minutes. This book helped me so much in improving my own marriage and has allowed me to help other couples to strengthen their relationships. I was grateful to learn from Dr. Gottman that happy couples do indeed argue! The book is filled with many wonderful tips on improving your relationship. One of my favorites is "turn toward each other instead of away". It's all about adopting a "we against others" approach and remembering you are on the same team.
  Miscarriage is such a lonely, scary time that feeling able to turn towards your partner and feel safe and secure is such a help. If you don't feel able to do this, it does not mean that you are in a bad relationship or that your partner is unfeeling. Learning as much as you can about yourself, and learning ways to find strength from your experience, will help. Treat yourself and your partner with as much love and compassion as you can. Every relationship faces unique challenges and enduring the stressful experiences together will help you learn so much about each other. It will also help you embrace the calm, happy times in your relationship with a newfound gratitude.
  
  References:
  John M. Gottman & Nan Silver , The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999).

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved