The Amazing Benefits of TLC

When I had my third consecutive miscarriage, I joined the ranks of approximately 1% of fertile couples who experience recurrent early pregnancy losses--defined as three or more miscarriages in a row. It is an elite club that no one wants to be a member of. Kirk and I underwent every test imaginable to try to find out why this kept happening, but much to our dismay no medical explanation was found.

One of my lowest moments came shortly after my third miscarriage when I was walking alone to the lab to get some more blood work done. As I glanced down at my medical chart I noticed under my problem list the phrase "habitual aborter". It took me a moment to understand that I was the "habitual aborter" in question. I had read that recurrent miscarriage is also called "habitual abortion" and had been repulsed by the term but had naively never expected to be labeled in this way. That label conjured up all sorts of negative images in my mind. I was already consumed with self-loathing and blame over my miscarriages. To be labeled in a way that made me feel that the medical professionals I trusted viewed me as someone who was "habitually" and purposefully doing away with my pregnancies felt intolerable.

It was the final straw in my dealings with a physicians' practice that I felt had treated me with disrespect and disdain for the last time. As low as I felt in that moment, that spark of anger I felt on that miserable day was my first step towards taking my power back. I vowed to myself that when I felt strong enough to try to get pregnant again, I would find a Doctor who I felt respected by, listened to, and who would work in partnership with me rather than view me as a problem to be fixed.

I spent the next six months doing a ton of grief work and inner work. The book "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" by Dr. Christiane Northrup, was a huge help to me during this time. I also did a lot of research on what types of treatments can help create a positive pregnancy outcome for women who have suffered multiple miscarriages when no medical explanation can be found. I found much exciting work in this area but perhaps the most amazing research findings were the small number of studies showing incredibly positive results for women given strong positive support in early pregnancy.

Dubbed the TLC (Tender Loving Care) Approach, the results were staggering. One study showed that among couples who experienced recurrent miscarriage where no medical cause could be determined, women receiving supportive counseling and psychological support during pregnancy had a subsequent pregnancy success rate of 86%, as compared with a success rate of 33% for women who received no specific pregnancy counseling or support. Another study found that TLC support in early pregnancy resulted in the women receiving such support as having a 26% miscarriage rate in their next pregnancy, compared with a 51% miscarriage rate for those women who did not receive TLC support.

I was buoyed by these results and became determined to find a doctor overflowing with TLC. I was blessed to find a gem of a doctor who spent over an hour with me on my initial consultation visit. He let me cry as I explained the pain of enduring three miscarriages and he gently pointed out that it was actually a strength that I could get pregnant so often and easily. I truly believe my work with him, and a small practice of Nurse-Midwives also abundant with TLC-- were huge factors in my fourth and fifth pregnancies being successful.

Need more TLC? I'm overflowing with it! Feel free to e-mail me at annemarie@miscarriagesupportsystem.com with any questions or to set up an initial consultation.

References

Clifford K, Rai R, and Regan L (1997) Future pregnancy outcome in unexplained recurrent first trimester miscarriage. Human Reproduction 12, 387-389.

Jauniaux E, Farquharson R G, Christiansen O B, and Exalto N (2006) Evidence-based guidelines for the investigation and medical treatment of recurrent miscarriage. Human Reproduction 21, No.9 2216-2222.

Stray-Pedersen B and Stray-Pedersen S (1984) Etiological factors and subsequent reproductive performance in 195 couples with a prior history of habitual abortion. American Journal Obstet Gynecol 148,140-146.

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Anger: It's Trying To Tell Us Something

Anger can be a really scary emotion. When anger leads to violence it is always unacceptable. But when something horrible happens in our lives, like miscarriage, anger is a natural reaction. Often sadness and fear are buried more deeply under the anger and will surface when the anger has been acknowledged, felt and released.

Part of my own personal growth, and what I help teach others, is believing that we have a right to our feelings. If we are feeling angry, we need to give ourselves permission to feel the anger. We must learn to tell ourselves that if we are feeling a certain way then there is good reason for this. Giving ourselves permission to feel our feelings is empowering and an essential part of our healing process.

I used to feel guilty whenever I felt angry, I would tell myself that I must have done something wrong to feel anger at someone else and I would practically beat myself up with my own thoughts. I no longer do this. I have learned to trust in myself so that when I become angry I know that I have reason to feel this way. Here are some useful steps when dealing with anger:

1) Acknowledge your anger.

Try not be afraid of your anger. Anger is an important indicator that something has happened that feels extremely unfair and undeserved. It can also be an important motivator to make necessary changes in our life. Anger gets our attention and is our body's way of saying, "What just happened is pretty important! Do not ignore me!"

2) Figure out what happened to make you feel angry.

Try to pinpoint exactly when and why you started to feel angry. Is it triggering any old wounds from your past? With miscarriage, many of us feel angry about the lack of control we suddenly feel with our own bodies. Or we look around at other women who seemingly are not great mothers and we feel angry that we were denied our child while these women were not. The anger I felt over that particular injustice felt massive during my grief.

3) Be compassionate with yourself in your anger.

Do not feel guilty about feeling angry. You have every right to feel the way you feel. I remember when I started to get real with myself after my third miscarriage, just sitting in bed with my journal writing furiously about all of the pain I had experienced in the past year-- then looking down at all that I had written and thinking, "No one would like this! This really stinks! No wonder I'm having a hard time, this would be hard for anyone!" Acknowledging to myself how hard my life had become and letting myself feel angry about the pain of my circumstances was freeing.

4) Release your anger.

Being able to express our anger calmly is a talent that no one is perfect at all the time. Often if we are angry at another person, it is really helpful to take a break until we are calmer and can participate in a rational discussion. Stating to the other person, "I'm really feeling angry right now. I want to talk with you when I'm calmer" can work wonders. It gets your feelings out there but allows you the time to get clear. It will also help avoid saying something in the heat of anger that you will regret later. Once you are able to calmly express your feelings and are able to listen to the other person, anger can begin to be worked through.

In the case of miscarriage, a traumatic life event rather than another person is at the root of our anger. Writing about our anger and talking openly about it will begin to put our anger out in the open where it can be acknowledged, experienced, and released.

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Are You Getting Enough Support?

The grief of miscarriage is unique in many ways. Because many people may not even know we were pregnant, insensitive comments may seemingly come from everywhere. Others close to us, who know about our loss, may try to offer advice. Advice, no matter how well-intentioned, is often the last thing we need after a loss. Research shows that women have a more difficult recovery after miscarriage when we do not receive consistently empathetic and positive support. Although a good support group can offer us the understanding and empathy we crave, many of us are reluctant to join. Here are some of the more common reasons:

• We may feel so alone that the thought of reaching out for help can feel too overwhelming.
• It is common to worry that the people in the group might judge us or that we might not "click" with them.
• Having the energy to put ourselves out there when we feel fragile or beaten up by life can feel nearly impossible.
• We may spend a lot of time trying to deny or minimize our pain so actually taking the step to join a group can make our loss more real-- which can feel scary.

If you have been thinking about joining a support group, it can be one of the most nurturing decisions you can make for yourself. Here's just a few of the benefits:

1) You will realize you are not alone.
Struggling with difficult life events is normal. Although we all feel lonely and isolated at times, being with people who are struggling with a similar issue can help us realize that we are actually not alone at all. The pain we all feel at certain points in our life can trick us into feeling that no one else has ever felt as low or as desperate as we feel. If a group is facilitated properly, trust among the group members will build slowly over time and sharing our true, deep feelings with each other will eventually feel natural and safe. As sharing increases, it is common to feel a sense of amazement that others share similar experiences and that what we are feeling is not so out of the ordinary. Feeling deeply understood and supported is the greatest antidote to loneliness and isolation.

2) You will learn so much about yourself.
When joining a new group, many of us may feel a bit removed and possibly like we do not have that much in common with the other group members. This is a natural coping mechanism to try to protect ourselves until we feel safe within the group. Over time, as trust builds in the group, you will often begin to see that you have more in common than you initially thought. Recognizing our own traits in others can teach us so much about what is working well in our life and also what we may want to work on changing. As the other group members get to know our inner struggles-- their feedback, insight, and support can be so helpful in gaining a new understanding and awareness of ourselves.


3) You will gain strength from others.
As group members become more comfortable with each other and begin to share more openly, it often becomes easy to see how hard many of us are on ourselves. We are often harder on ourselves than we would ever be on someone else. Being able to see this inner-critic in others can help us to realize how destructive this pattern is for all of us. Knowing and caring about others who are struggling and working through the same issues can help give us a greater sense of hope. Seeing the strength in others and having them acknowledge the strength they see in us can help us begin to see how strong and resilient we actually are. All of the strength and answers we need are already inside of us, sometimes it just takes a caring group to help us see this reality more clearly.


Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved