If you are in the middle of grief, or are going through an especially difficult time, it can feel nearly impossible to feel like celebrating. Add to that all of the outside pressures around the holidays to put on an outer facade that everything is wonderful- and these times can feel draining and overwhelming.
Try to be kind and gentle with yourself if this time of year is less than blissful for you. If you have suffered a loss recently, or if an anniversary of a loss coincides with the holidays, acknowledge to yourself that it is okay to feel whatever you are feeling. You may have grown up in a home where the holidays were not happy times, so the holidays may trigger old negative feelings or traumatic memories. Do not beat yourself up for feeling negatively- understand that whatever you are feeling is understandable and justified. Spend some time trying to figure out what might make you feel better, and then do it. Release yourself from the expectations of others and spend some time alone nurturing yourself. Surround yourself only with people who love, inspire and support you.
David Neagle, a highly successful business and life strategist, recently wrote the following,
"Go where you're celebrated not where you're tolerated, never stay where you're not valued and guard well the talents that God has given you."
I love this quote. It contains such important wisdom for all of us to remember every day of our lives, not just during the holidays.
Are you feeling celebrated by the people in your life? Are you celebrating those people whom you have chosen to be in your life? If the answer is no, remember that only you have the power to change your experience. If you feel disrespected by your extended family but feel pressure to celebrate with them every year, ask yourself why you are putting yourself in the same unhappy situation year after year. Give yourself permission to create new traditions that will nurture you and those closest to you.
Life is too short to continue to do anything out of obligation rather than love. As you learn to listen to what you truly want and and act accordingly, life becomes much easier and more joyous. Understand that you are the only person responsible for your own happiness. This will allow you to be able to decide for yourself what you truly want. As you take the necessary steps to create the life and relationships that you want, it will be easier to notice all of the gifts in your life and to celebrate them.
Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved
Friday, November 27, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Don't take it personally...
I just read an amazing book called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. The premise of the book is that there are four agreements which we should all live by in order to enjoy a life filled with happiness and love. There's a whole lot of wisdom in this beautiful little book that can help anyone struggling with grief or a painful life event. Don Miguel Ruiz discusses all four of the agreements in great length and I would highly recommend you pick up a copy. The four agreements are as follows:
1) Be impeccable with your word.
2) Don't take anything personally.
3) Don't make assumptions.
4) Always do your best.
A sad and unfortunate outcome of grief and suffering is often the stress they can create in our relationships. When sadness and pain overtake our lives, it is common to feel sensitive to the comments of others or to feel stuck in anger. You may feel distant from your partner, or misunderstood by even your co-workers, closest friends and family. Many women notice that many of their relationships become strained after miscarriage. People who seem insensitive to your grief can cause so much pain. In extreme cases an estrangement occurs or a friendship or relationship ends.
If you are experiencing turmoil with someone close to you, take a look at whether you are taking something personally or if you are making assumptions that are hurting you needlessly. If someone says something that offends or hurts you, trust that it has more to do with the other person than it has to do with you. By refusing to make assumptions about the other person's intent you can ask questions and clarify what you want or need.
An all too common occurrence after pregnancy loss is when someone says something like, "It's for the best," or "You can always try again". Many of you have shared how hurtful such comments can be. Try to understand in that moment that these types of comments reveal a lot more about the other person who uttered them rather than anything about you. You can decide that such an unhelpful response is the other person's issue not yours. You can also be honest by saying, "What you said struck me as really unhelpful. Are you trying to make me feel better?". Ask questions until you are clear about the other person's intent. This will help you avoid making assumptions. Clearly tell the other person what you need by saying something like "I really just need you to listen to me right now" or whatever you feel you need in that moment.
Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel. Allow everyone else to feel their own feelings without taking these feelings personally. Decide that if you feel hurt by someone, you will talk it through with them rather than making assumptions. Decide you are worth trying to put these four agreements into practice. Notice the difference it makes in your life and in your relationships.
Reference
Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements (San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen Publishing, 1997).
Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved
1) Be impeccable with your word.
2) Don't take anything personally.
3) Don't make assumptions.
4) Always do your best.
A sad and unfortunate outcome of grief and suffering is often the stress they can create in our relationships. When sadness and pain overtake our lives, it is common to feel sensitive to the comments of others or to feel stuck in anger. You may feel distant from your partner, or misunderstood by even your co-workers, closest friends and family. Many women notice that many of their relationships become strained after miscarriage. People who seem insensitive to your grief can cause so much pain. In extreme cases an estrangement occurs or a friendship or relationship ends.
If you are experiencing turmoil with someone close to you, take a look at whether you are taking something personally or if you are making assumptions that are hurting you needlessly. If someone says something that offends or hurts you, trust that it has more to do with the other person than it has to do with you. By refusing to make assumptions about the other person's intent you can ask questions and clarify what you want or need.
An all too common occurrence after pregnancy loss is when someone says something like, "It's for the best," or "You can always try again". Many of you have shared how hurtful such comments can be. Try to understand in that moment that these types of comments reveal a lot more about the other person who uttered them rather than anything about you. You can decide that such an unhelpful response is the other person's issue not yours. You can also be honest by saying, "What you said struck me as really unhelpful. Are you trying to make me feel better?". Ask questions until you are clear about the other person's intent. This will help you avoid making assumptions. Clearly tell the other person what you need by saying something like "I really just need you to listen to me right now" or whatever you feel you need in that moment.
Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel. Allow everyone else to feel their own feelings without taking these feelings personally. Decide that if you feel hurt by someone, you will talk it through with them rather than making assumptions. Decide you are worth trying to put these four agreements into practice. Notice the difference it makes in your life and in your relationships.
Reference
Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements (San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen Publishing, 1997).
Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved
Friday, November 13, 2009
Are you doing this every day?
I talk a lot about how my miscarriages changed my life. The pain, fear and uncertainty of that period caused me to question everything I had once thought to be true. As a result, I discarded a lot of old beliefs that were no longer serving me. My healing started me on a new path of viewing life as a journey of self-discovery and growth. One practice that I adopted back then that has become a daily practice for me is forgiveness.
I used to be a huge grudge-holder until I realized that my unwillingness to forgive others was all tied up in my unwillingness to forgive myself. I held so many rigid beliefs in my mind about what was right and wrong that I was constantly feeling guilty about breaking all of my self-imposed rules. My self-esteem was in a shambles because I was holding myself to impossibly high standards that no one could possibly meet. My relationships were mostly unsatisfying as well because I felt continuously disappointed by others since no one could ever live up to my impossibly high expectations.
When I learned to start forgiving myself, it was like someone was suddenly shining a flashlight into a dark room. All of sudden I became aware of how my relentless judgement of myself and others was poisoning my life and my relationships. I had held so much blame and guilt towards myself for my miscarriages that forgiving myself became a huge step towards healing. As I learned to forgive myself for my pregnancy losses, it became easier for me to start seeing all of the other areas in my life where I was holding on to blame and guilt and punishing myself repeatedly.
When you get into the habit of forgiving yourself every day, forgiving other people becomes so much easier. Vow to make forgiveness part of your daily routine. Instead of beating yourself up when you make a mistake, you can say to yourself, "Well, that was not so great but I am trying the best I can." If you hurt someone, acknowledge your mistake and ask for forgiveness. Knowing you are doing the best you can allows you to start trusting that everyone else around you is doing the best they can. If someone says something hurtful to you, recognize that their negativity is a reflection of what is going on inside of them rather than anything that has to do with you.
Understand that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Holding on to anger or resentment with another person is giving the object of your anger way too much power. When you can release that anger and say simply, "I am no longer letting this person have power over me. I am moving on"- it is tremendously freeing and empowering. I used to be one of those people who would become enraged when I was driving and someone would cut me off. I started practicing saying whenever someone did this, "How terrible for that person to be in such a terrible rush." It helped me learn to develop empathy for the other driver rather than rage.
Think of your own life. Are you holding on to any anger towards yourself? Are you filled with guilt or blame over anything? Sit with these questions for awhile. It may help to write down your answers or say them out loud. Allow yourself to see that it is time to forgive yourself. You do not need to punish yourself any longer. Allow yourself to be forgiven. Now think of anyone else in your life who you may feel angry towards. Go through the same process and decide that you are going to release any power they still hold over you. Give yourself the gift of adding forgiveness to your daily routine, the difference it will make in your life and in your relationships will astound you.
Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved
I used to be a huge grudge-holder until I realized that my unwillingness to forgive others was all tied up in my unwillingness to forgive myself. I held so many rigid beliefs in my mind about what was right and wrong that I was constantly feeling guilty about breaking all of my self-imposed rules. My self-esteem was in a shambles because I was holding myself to impossibly high standards that no one could possibly meet. My relationships were mostly unsatisfying as well because I felt continuously disappointed by others since no one could ever live up to my impossibly high expectations.
When I learned to start forgiving myself, it was like someone was suddenly shining a flashlight into a dark room. All of sudden I became aware of how my relentless judgement of myself and others was poisoning my life and my relationships. I had held so much blame and guilt towards myself for my miscarriages that forgiving myself became a huge step towards healing. As I learned to forgive myself for my pregnancy losses, it became easier for me to start seeing all of the other areas in my life where I was holding on to blame and guilt and punishing myself repeatedly.
When you get into the habit of forgiving yourself every day, forgiving other people becomes so much easier. Vow to make forgiveness part of your daily routine. Instead of beating yourself up when you make a mistake, you can say to yourself, "Well, that was not so great but I am trying the best I can." If you hurt someone, acknowledge your mistake and ask for forgiveness. Knowing you are doing the best you can allows you to start trusting that everyone else around you is doing the best they can. If someone says something hurtful to you, recognize that their negativity is a reflection of what is going on inside of them rather than anything that has to do with you.
Understand that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Holding on to anger or resentment with another person is giving the object of your anger way too much power. When you can release that anger and say simply, "I am no longer letting this person have power over me. I am moving on"- it is tremendously freeing and empowering. I used to be one of those people who would become enraged when I was driving and someone would cut me off. I started practicing saying whenever someone did this, "How terrible for that person to be in such a terrible rush." It helped me learn to develop empathy for the other driver rather than rage.
Think of your own life. Are you holding on to any anger towards yourself? Are you filled with guilt or blame over anything? Sit with these questions for awhile. It may help to write down your answers or say them out loud. Allow yourself to see that it is time to forgive yourself. You do not need to punish yourself any longer. Allow yourself to be forgiven. Now think of anyone else in your life who you may feel angry towards. Go through the same process and decide that you are going to release any power they still hold over you. Give yourself the gift of adding forgiveness to your daily routine, the difference it will make in your life and in your relationships will astound you.
Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved
Friday, November 6, 2009
Try this the next time you get stuck
We all experience times when life just seems too difficult and we feel powerless to change the circumstances we find ourselves in. These are the low moments in life. Perhaps you are in the middle of one of these times right now. It can feel as if you are all alone and that no one could possibly understand your pain and level of stress. This sense of isolation is merely an illusion as is your sense that you are powerless to change your experience. Here are a few tips to remember when all feels bleak.
1. Take responsibility. Own up to your role in contributing to your current situation. This does not mean blaming yourself, making yourself bad or wrong or beating yourself up in any way. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Sometimes, as in the case of miscarriage, bad things happen to good people. Blame and guilt are useless emotions, they do us absolutely no good and we need to refuse to fall into the trap of blaming ourselves or others and becoming guilt-ridden or resentful. Feeling guilty is a waste of time and energy and never changes anything in a positive way. Remember, no one has the power to change your life except you. When you take responsibility, you are refusing to be a victim and you are taking the first step toward stepping out of a situation that is not serving you.
2. See the big picture. It is common to get so bogged down in a current crisis that it's difficult to see the big picture. That's why its often so much easier to give other people advice than to actually know what the right course of action is in your own life. You are less emotionally attached to other people's issues and can usually see potential solutions to their problems. However in your own life, it is often extremely difficult to step back and see the endless possibilities that exist. Sometimes it helps to try to imagine if someone you love were suddenly in the circumstances you now find yourself. What would you tell them to do? How would someone you greatly admire handle your current situation? Your answers may give you clues as to what your next steps should be.
3. When all else fails, do something different. Sometimes you can get so bogged down in your current difficulties that you just keep using the same old coping mechanisms that you have always used. These coping mechanisms have often contributed to the situation in which you currently find yourself. It was Einstein who said that insanity is "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". It is during these difficult times in life when it can be so helpful to have a skilled coach or mentor (or a really insightful and bossy friend) who can help you to see that the solution lies in your ability to step out of your comfort zone and handle the situation completely differently than you normally would.
I learned a lot last week at the business seminar I attended about needing to step through the "terror barrier" (a place of extreme discomfort and fear) in order to reach the success that lies on the other side. The same is true with all aspects of life. There will be times when you will feel terrified and unsteady, but when you have the courage to take action in spite of your fear-
freedom, empowerment and endless possibilities await you on the other side.
Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved
1. Take responsibility. Own up to your role in contributing to your current situation. This does not mean blaming yourself, making yourself bad or wrong or beating yourself up in any way. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Sometimes, as in the case of miscarriage, bad things happen to good people. Blame and guilt are useless emotions, they do us absolutely no good and we need to refuse to fall into the trap of blaming ourselves or others and becoming guilt-ridden or resentful. Feeling guilty is a waste of time and energy and never changes anything in a positive way. Remember, no one has the power to change your life except you. When you take responsibility, you are refusing to be a victim and you are taking the first step toward stepping out of a situation that is not serving you.
2. See the big picture. It is common to get so bogged down in a current crisis that it's difficult to see the big picture. That's why its often so much easier to give other people advice than to actually know what the right course of action is in your own life. You are less emotionally attached to other people's issues and can usually see potential solutions to their problems. However in your own life, it is often extremely difficult to step back and see the endless possibilities that exist. Sometimes it helps to try to imagine if someone you love were suddenly in the circumstances you now find yourself. What would you tell them to do? How would someone you greatly admire handle your current situation? Your answers may give you clues as to what your next steps should be.
3. When all else fails, do something different. Sometimes you can get so bogged down in your current difficulties that you just keep using the same old coping mechanisms that you have always used. These coping mechanisms have often contributed to the situation in which you currently find yourself. It was Einstein who said that insanity is "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". It is during these difficult times in life when it can be so helpful to have a skilled coach or mentor (or a really insightful and bossy friend) who can help you to see that the solution lies in your ability to step out of your comfort zone and handle the situation completely differently than you normally would.
I learned a lot last week at the business seminar I attended about needing to step through the "terror barrier" (a place of extreme discomfort and fear) in order to reach the success that lies on the other side. The same is true with all aspects of life. There will be times when you will feel terrified and unsteady, but when you have the courage to take action in spite of your fear-
freedom, empowerment and endless possibilities await you on the other side.
Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Decide You're Worth It
After my third miscarriage, my feelings of self-worth were at an all time low. I was childless and paralyzed with fear that I would never be a mother. I had never realized how much my self-worth was wrapped up in my ability to have children, and suddenly found myself face to face with one of my greatest fears. If I was unable to have a child of my own, what was my purpose in life, I wondered. Why was I having to suffer when others around me seemed effortlessly able to get pregnant and have children?
I was consumed with pain and felt everyone else was surrounded by abundance while I had nothing. I felt inferior to everyone who had what I wanted. With the help of counseling, a lot of inner work, and working with others more enlightened than myself, I realized that my miscarriages were sad and painful - but no reflection of my self-worth. I was enough just as I was. And you are too.
If self-worth is something you struggle with, you are not alone. Here are a few tips to help:
1) Decide you're worth it- because you are! Pay attention to any critical messages you send to yourself during the day. Recognize these messages are just old tapes we've been playing in our heads for years (most of them since childhood). These messages may have been created to keep us safe as children, but they are no longer serving us.
2) Change any negative messages into positive ones. For example, one of my old messages used to be, "I'm less than other women because I can't have a child of my own". I learned to replace that awful false message with a much more authentic and positive, "I'm a vibrant wonderful woman who creates and nurtures fabulous relationships, ideas and projects every day". This may feel untrue or silly for you at first but commit to trying this for at least thirty days. Decide you are worth the effort. Life is too short to beat ourselves up with our own thoughts.
3) Figure out what you want and go after it. We all day-dream. Many of us dismiss our dreams as impractical and impossible, but our fantasies are actually clues to what we really want. Start making a list of what you want. Maybe its a new relationship or you want to improve the relationships you already have. Maybe its travel, or a career change. Whatever it is, decide that you deserve it and will have it. Start taking steps to receive what you want.
Remember, you are enough, just as you are. If you need help along the way, take the plunge and work with someone who will help you recognize your own amazing self-worth. Find someone who can show you how you can create the life and relationships of your dreams. I am ready and able to help if you need me.
Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved
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