Men and Miscarriage

Perhaps my first hint that my husband, Kirk, and I were going to react very differently to miscarriage occurred on the night of my first miscarriage. A little over six weeks pregnant, Kirk and I had gone out to dinner with my parents to celebrate. I remember falling asleep that night, snuggled up with him and reveling in my good fortune. I woke up abruptly in the middle of the night with an intense and painful ripping sensation in my lower abdomen. I knew instantly that something awful was happening. Crying, I woke Kirk up and told him what had happened. He remained remarkably calm. He held me close, told me I was probably worrying for nothing, all would be well in the morning and that I just needed to go back to sleep. I so wanted to believe his words and marveled at his ability to go right back to sleep. I clung to him in the dark as sleep alluded me. My thoughts were focused on our baby who I knew at that moment was dying. I wept quietly throughout the night until I fell asleep exhausted. I felt that I was losing something precious that I had not fully appreciated and had now lost forever. The ensuing days and months were filled with my nearly indescribable grief. Kirk tried to be supportive but as time went on, it became obvious that he did not share my depth of loss. I wanted to talk about the pregnancy loss almost constantly yet Kirk just wanted me to move on.

As I have researched the impact of miscarriage on couples, I have found that my experience is not so unique. While some women do report feeling closer to their partners after miscarriage, many women do not. There are a variety of reasons for this disconnect between couples after miscarriage. 74% of participants in one study reported coping with miscarriage differently from their spouses. Researchers have found that while most women wished to talk about their loss, most men preferred to not talk about it. Men's responses to miscarriage suggest that the baby is less real to them and that their greatest concern is the well-being of their partner. Men's responses can range from feeling despair, and sadness to being personally unaffected or frustrated by their partner's grief. Many men fear they will say the wrong thing, and thus try to avoid saying anything at all. This lack of communication increases their partners loneliness and isolation. One study found that after miscarriage, 85% of couples do not share their feelings fully with each other. Women who felt the least supported by their partners and who felt an overall lack of social support had the most difficult time coping.

If you are feeling a lack of support from your partner, here are a few suggestions to help:

• Pick a time when you and your partner are not tired or stressed to discuss your feelings. Try to stick to the topic of how you are feeling. Do not attack your partner or jump to the conclusion that just because he may not share your grief feelings that he is a bad person. Men just don't physically know what it feels like to have a little life growing inside of them. They may have not bonded with the baby-to-be like an expectant mother would. You have a right to your feelings and your partner has a right to his. The more understood each of you feel by each other, the easier it will be to stay connected and cope with your loss.
• Clearly state what you need. The more specific you can be the better. Being able to say something like, "I've been blaming myself a lot and feeling unlovable, I need you to hug me and tell me you love me." is pretty clear. Sometimes women may feel resentful about having to come right out and tell their partner what they need. I have heard countless times, "If he really loved me he should know what I need without me telling him". Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth. None of us can be expected to read each other's minds. Our failure to state our own needs clearly and ask for what we need most often leads to hurt, resentment and misunderstanding.
• Seek support. Sometimes the greatest support comes not from one's partner but from other women who have experienced the same loss. I am a strong proponent of support groups. The services I offer have been created to help women cope with miscarriage more effectively and to feel more supported, understood and strengthened.
  
  References
  Murphy FA. (1998). The experience of early miscarriage from a male perspective. J Clin Nurs 7, 325-32.
  
  Miron J, Chapman JS. (1994). Supporting men's experiences with the event of their partners' miscarriage. Can J Nurs Res 26, 61-72.
  
  Puddifoot JE, Johnson MP. (1997). The legitimacy of grieving: the partner's experience at miscarriage. Soc Sci Med 45, 837-45.
  
  Swanson, KM, Karmali, ZA, Powell, SH, and Pulvermakher, F (2003). Miscarriage Effects on Couples' Interpersonal and Sexual Relationships During the First Year After Loss: Women's Perceptions. Psychosomatic Medicine 65, 902-910.
  
  Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

It's Okay To Say "No"...

In fact, its even more than okay, its actually healthy to say "No"- and say it often! Prior to my miscarriages, I was a definite people-pleaser. Whenever anyone asked me to do anything, I would nearly always say "yes" whether I really wanted to or not. As a result, anger and resentment would build up inside me. Outwardly, I projected a mask of cheerfulness and compliance, while inwardly I was unhappy and often seething with aggravation and annoyance. Through my own inner work and work with other women, I have learned that putting aside our own feelings in order to help the people around us is a huge issue for many of us. We may feel guilty about saying "no", fear that others will be disappointed or angry with us, or that they will judge us harshly as a result. Yet when we engage in this type of behavior, we are not doing ourselves or anyone else any favors. Many of us were raised as children to do as we were told and to be "good girls". The danger of this is that over time, we can lose touch with who we are and what we truly want. We get so busy trying to meet others' expectations that we lose sight of what we want and need. Ignoring our own needs can wreak havoc on our emotional and physical health over time. The following steps will help you learn to listen to your inner wisdom and set appropriate limits for yourself.

1) Pause before responding. There is no rule that says that when someone asks you to do something that you have to answer them right away. Pausing will give you the reprieve you need to get clear with yourself about how you really feel. There is nothing wrong with saying something like, "I would love to help but I really need to think about whether I have time for that right now. I'll get back to you."

2) Honor your own needs. When you are tempted to take on something new, do an inventory of what you are already committed to doing. If your schedule is already pretty tight, is there something that you would be willing to let go of in order to take this new task on? Ask yourselves the following questions: Do I really have the time to devote to this? Is this a one time request or will it entail ongoing responsibilities? For instance, being asked to fill in for one night at a soup kitchen is different then being asked to join a book group that meets once a month. What is your immediate reaction to the request? Is it excitement over the prospect of taking on something new or are you filled with dread about being asked? Listen to those instincts. The more you learn to trust yourself and listen to yourself, the more you will be able to spend your time on things that bring energy in and bring you joy. I love my work and helping others, but I also have learned that I am at my best and my life runs the smoothest when I give myself plenty of time to rest and recharge.

3) Refuse to compare yourself to others. For many years I had a very bad habit of comparing myself to others. I was convinced everyone else had a happier marriage, cleaner home, more money--you name it, I thought it. Through working with a talented therapist, joining groups, and having deep friendships with many over-achieving types, I have learned that everyone has their issues. I have worked hard to create a life that is incredible and filled with love and abundance, but I have accepted that it will never be perfect. There is no problem-free life for anyone, no matter how wonderful they appear to the outside world. I eventually learned that I feel the most balanced and content when I resist the urge to compare myself to others. Some people may thrive on being constantly busy, but if you are not one of those people, give yourself permission to be who you are.

4) Recognize that when you say "no", you are giving someone else the opportunity to say "yes". You may feel overwhelmed by the request to help paint the sets for the local theater company's upcoming production, but for someone else this might be the perfect opportunity to let their creativity shine. A few years ago, a request went out at work for someone to come up with a monthly presentation for new employees. My co-workers groaned at the request but I jumped at the opportunity as I was excited to work on my public speaking and presentation skills. I felt grateful to be asked. If you really do not want to do something, trust that it will be the perfect opportunity for someone else. Release yourself from the false belief that you are the only one who can do it.

5) Be a role-model. By knowing your limits and sticking with them, you will be role-modeling for others that it is okay for them to set limits too. And remember, people respect honesty. When you are in touch with your own feelings and limits, trust that everyone else will respond accordingly. The more you practice checking in with yourself about what you want and need, the easier and more automatic it will become. I have made a ton of progress in this area, but despite my best efforts, I still sometimes find myself trying to do too many things at once. Be kind and gentle with yourself at these times. Trust in the fact that although you are overwhelmed in the moment, this too shall pass. Maybe there is someone close to you who has been wanting to help and who will be honored you asked. If they say, 'no'-- refuse to take it personally. Praise yourself for being strong enough to recognize you need help and for asking for what you need.


Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All rights reserved

Four Ways To Reduce Anxiety

Research shows that anxiety may be a bigger issue than depression for many women after miscarriage. As I look at my own experience and the experience of others, I can see the truthfulness of these findings. Yes, pain, grief and depression are huge and understandable emotions after any loss-- but the unexpectedness of miscarriage, the many questions that remain unanswered about why the miscarriage occurred, and the lack of control many of feel provoke a lot of anxiety. Here are a few tips for easing our troubled minds:

1) Stay in the Moment.
Do not get ahead of yourself. Many of us are planners and we may feel more relaxed once our future is mapped out and organized. Although a sense of control over the future may assuage our feelings of anxiety- the truth is that so many factors are beyond our control. After my first miscarriage I lived in constant fear of the future- I felt terrified that I might have to endure another miscarriage and felt certain that this would be something I would never be able to survive. My constant worrying did not prevent my subsequent miscarriages and I surprised myself by being physically and emotionally stronger than I had feared.
I love a lot about the whole Alcoholics Anonymous philosophy and I think their mantra of "taking one day at a time" is so helpful for all of us. The more we can stay in the present moment and trust in our ability to handle whatever comes our way- the more manageable our lives will feel.

2) Positive Affirmations.
I get a lot of flack from some people about this one. It reminds them of the old Saturday Night Live character, Stuart Smalley, (played by Al Franken) who would repeat to himself, "I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me". He was a fairly memorable and mildly amusing character. All kidding aside, I am a firm believer in thinking well of ourselves and sending positive messages to ourselves throughout the day. When we start paying attention to how we talk to ourselves- it is often astounding to realize how negative and harsh we can be. When we focus on all that we have already done in a day rather than focusing on all that we have yet to accomplish- our sense of ourselves will be much more balanced.

3) Visualizations.
This week on top of my normally busy schedule, I was asked to do two presentations and I was responsible for hosting two parties. I started panicking a bit mid week about how I would get everything done. I reminded myself that all of these tasks were actually fun activities which I enjoy and that I needed to follow my own advice and not get ahead of myself with worry. Whenever my mind would wander to thoughts of the presentations or the parties I would visualize all going smoothly and being a big success. I am happy to report that as I finish writing my blog, my parties and presentations are behind me. They were all enjoyable and went as successfully as I had visualized.

4) Let Go of Perfectionism.
Again, so many of us have such high expectations for ourselves that our anxiety level is bound to go sky-high when we try to do everything perfectly. Letting go of our need to do everything perfectly and being okay with being "good enough" in certain areas of our lives can be extremely freeing. The more we can accept ourselves the way we are, rather than having some ideal version of ourselves that we can never possibly measure up to- the less anxious we will feel during times of stress and the more we will be able to enjoy our times of ease.


Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Finding Meaning In Our Suffering

One of my favorite books is "Man's Search For Meaning" by Viktor E. Frankl. It's a true story about his survival in a concentration camp during World War II. Frankl, a brilliant psychiatrist, endured incredible suffering during the Holocaust. The focus of his book is his personal journey of finding meaning in his suffering. What kept him going during his nearly endless torment was a strong sense of purpose in his life. Throughout his imprisonment in the camps, Frankl dreamed of writing a book about finding meaning even in the bleakest of circumstances. He actually visualized himself in the future lecturing to an audience about the psychology of a concentration camp inmate. When he was finally released at the end of the war, he found that his pregnant wife, his parents and his brother had all died in the camps. The grief and misery he experienced is hard to fathom, but he forged on and completed his incredible book in nine days.

Frankl spent the rest of his long life trying to help others find meaning from their suffering. One of his many friends and admirers was Harold S. Kushner, author of another incredible book, "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" which is based on Kushner's real-life journey of trying to cope and understand the death of his own son. Frankl and Kushner are two great examples of the power of individuals to overcome immense tragedy, find meaning and help others from their experience.

Thinking back to my own miscarriages, some of the most helpful support came from others who had experienced miscarriage too and were able to reach out to me in my grief. One of the greatest letters I received was from a friend of my mother's who had also experienced three miscarriages prior to adopting one child and then giving birth to two other children. She wrote to me that the pain of her miscarriages helped make her a much more grateful and patient parent as she could never forget how deeply she had longed for her beloved children. I find the same is now true for me. l know that while my suffering was unavoidable, it helped me develop an inner strength and resilience that I would not have achieved had I never experienced such deep personal loss.

Viktor Frankl believed in the fundamental ability of all of us to "turn tragedy into triumph" by finding a sense of purpose in our lives and finding meaning from our suffering. If you are struggling to find meaning, I've included a couple of exercises to try to help:

• Imagine yourself in the future. What do you want your life to look like? What can you learn from your current experience to help you create the life you want?
  
• Imagine it is many years from now, you are approaching the end of your life. How do you want to be remembered?

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved