What I learned last night at dinner...

Last night, my husband, Kirk, surprised the girls and I by taking us out to dinner. It's been months since the four of us have gone to a restaurant together and I was basking in the warmth of being with my three favorite people. We were all in happy, light moods and the conversation flowed easily.

Our waitress was lovely and attentive and after our food came, she came to our table and warmly asked, "How is everything? Just let me know if you need anything, okay?"

I was in my bliss and turned to Anika & Sophia and said excitedly, "Wow! This is the fabulous thing about restaurants, girls! They want you to have a wonderful time and they actually stop over to see how you're doing and whether you need anything! How many times does that ever happen?".

The girls looked confused and Anika spoke, "Actually, Mommy you talk to us that way all the time."

I paused, "I do?".

Sophia chimed in, "Well not every single second of the day, but a lot of the time you do." I looked at Kirk who nodded in agreement.

The whole thing got me thinking. Yes, the evening was lovely but the way I was just soaking everything up was a clue to me that something more was going on. I realized I have been desiring TLC and pampering for awhile, offering it freely to others, and yet have not been allowing myself to receive it in the ways I crave.

So many of us get so caught up in taking care of everyone else's needs that we forget to invest the same time in checking in with ourselves and making sure we have everything we need. I have come a long way over the years, but like everything else, I am learning this act of loving myself well is a life-long process.

Try to take some quiet time this week to check in with yourself and ask yourself what you desire. The answers that come to you may surprise you. Hear your answers with compassion and love for yourself. Notice any feelings of unworthiness, or self-judgement that may come up. Release any negative messages and take action on whatever your heart desires.


Positive Message for the Week:
I love myself well, and take time to honor my heart's desire. I nurture myself daily.

Looking For Answers? They're Closer Than You Think...

The low-point in my life, my struggle with multiple miscarriages, brought a pivotal shift in my thinking about my body. During my darkest moments, I was filled with anger, self-loathing and shame about my body. I looked to Doctor after Doctor to fix my body but to no avail. I felt like a victim and felt powerless to change my circumstances. I was trapped in a body that felt like my enemy. It was awful!

My turning point came when upon the advice of my brother, a family practice physician, I began to search for the answers inside myself rather than from outside sources. I began to work on forgiving myself and embracing all that I had instead of focusing on what I did not yet have. I began to work with my body instead of against it. It sounds simple but it took a fundamental shift in my mindset to begin to see myself and my body in this new, more compassionate way. As I gradually discarded my old ways of thinking, I replaced my old negative messages with new, more empowering messages.

I highly recommend, "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" by Dr. Christiane Northrup. It's a huge book but a tremendous resource for all women who are looking to change the way they view their bodies. It woke me up to the miracle that our bodies really are and became the foundation for the way I live and what I teach others.

I recently had the honor of working with Dr. Kirk Prine and Donny Lobree, Body Story Experts. You can check out their amazing work at www.themissingthread.com. As much progress I've made over the years, they helped me uncover and release another layer of shame, guilt and anger from my past that I had been carrying around for years. It reminded me that our healing and growth is a never-ending process. There are always more layers to uncover and we need to be kind and compassionate with ourselves on this journey. It can be terrifying to take action to confront our limiting beliefs and create change but what awaits us on the other side is always better.

Positive Message for the week:
I love and appreciate my body.

When you have the urge to criticize your body this week, resist your natural tendency to be critical about your supposed flaws. Replace any negative messages you normally tell yourself with the above positive message. It may feel weird or untrue at first, but try to feel as much gratitude and love for yourself and your body as you can in this moment. Love yourself and your body in this moment, just as it is.

Embracing Your Limiting Beliefs

The more I work with individuals, the more I realize that no matter how phenomenal you are- you will still struggle at times with negative and limiting beliefs. Some examples of limiting beliefs include,

"I'm not smart or capable enough"

"I can't express my true feelings"

or even, "I need to help everyone in order to be loved"

These beliefs are often ingrained since childhood. Even those individuals with loving upbringings can carry old wounds from the past which impact the choices they make in the present moment.

The key to permanently releasing the power our limiting beliefs hold over us is to acknowledge and embrace them. This may sound counter intuitive but trying to run from them or beat them into submission never works.

Look at some key areas of your life:

health
career
money
friends
family
romance

A clue that limiting beliefs may be at work in your life is if the reality of your life in one or more of these areas is different than your ideal. When your beliefs and actions are in alignment with your goals then your actual day to day existence should mirror your deepest desires.

It is important to understand that your limiting beliefs originated long ago for one of two possible reasons:

1) To make you happy
2) To keep you safe

For example, someone who grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent may have learned to keep secrets and tell others what they wanted to hear rather than the truth in order to stay safe. However, as an adult these same behaviors and beliefs, if left unchecked and unchanged-would wreak havoc on their ability to have trusting, intimate and loving relationships.

Once you recognize your limiting beliefs, start working with them. I find writing to be extremely powerful. You can start jotting down your limiting beliefs as you become aware of them. Then start creating new beliefs that are more positive and representative of the person you wish to become. Whenever you notice the limiting beliefs coming up, you can remind yourself why they originated in the first place, thank them for trying to help but lovingly and compassionately replace them with your new positive and empowering belief.


Copyright 2010 @ Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Lessons Fear and Pain Taught Me...

The pain of my recurrent miscarriages taught me many life lessons. These lessons have continued to help me when I've faced other painful struggles since. Here are a couple of tips I learned that can help when times get tough:

1) Acknowledge the fear, but do what is required anyway.

I worked through many fears when facing the pain of my miscarriages. I now know the depth of loving someone I will never meet, wanting something so badly and yet having it ripped away from me anyway. Many of my fears were based around the false belief that I had no purpose in life if I could not have a child. I feared that others viewed me with pity and I feared that if I allowed myself to actually cry for as long as I wanted, that I would be unable to stop crying- ever. So many women who have endured miscarriage speak of fearing that they may be going crazy. This fear is based on the inner turmoil of trying to present an outer appearance of calm and normalcy when inside a part of us literally has died.

The truth is that when I allowed myself the time and space to cry for as long as I needed, I did not cry forever. I actually spent a weekend in bed in my pajamas and allowed myself to cry for as long as I needed. I sobbed for hours and hours. I went through several boxes of tissues but the tears eventually stopped and brought cleansing and healing.

Take time to get in touch with your fears. Know that when you feel fearful, some belief that is not the truth is getting in your way. By getting clear about your fears, you can begin to chip away at them and realize that the only way to rid yourself of them is to face them head on.

2) Be honest and authentic.

Prior to my miscarriages I had been a habitual people pleaser.
I used to say "yes" even when I wanted to say "no" and I put my needs last behind everyone else's. During my healing, I realized the harm I was doing to myself emotionally and physically by devaluing myself. I vowed to stop and refused to fake any of my feelings any more.

I began to trust my inner wisdom and share my thoughts honestly. When people asked how I was, I began to tell the truth. I would reply, "I'm actually having a hard time" and sometimes even burst into tears. Did this scare some people away? Yes, it did. But I understood that those who fled were not the people I wanted in my life anyway.

There is a great quote by Dr. Seuss,

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Give yourself the freedom to face your fears and speak your truth, there is nothing more empowering.

Copyright 2010 @ Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Three Tips To Get Unstuck

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, problems arise in your life and you feel stuck. When you're stuck you're unable to see a positive solution or outcome to your current struggle. With all the inner work I have done over the years, I'm always a bit incredulous when I get to a place of feeling stuck. I usually initially experience anger and frustration and think, "I've already dealt with this issue before and handled it, how is it back in my life again rearing its ugly head?".
The fact is breaking through fears and limiting beliefs is a lifelong process. You get stronger every time you become aware of your fears or old limiting beliefs and find the courage to move beyond them, but the truth is there is no endpoint to personal growth. Here are three tips to help you the next time you feel stuck:

1) Be grateful for your awareness.
You must become aware of what the problem truly is before you can work on changing it. So many people go through life unwilling to examine their lives in any honest way. Gaining awareness about what really is the problem requires a lot of self-honesty and is the first step toward changing and moving forward. If you are self-aware enough to notice that an area of your life is problematic, congratulate yourself on being able to identify the problem. Without your awareness of the problem, change and growth would be impossible.

2) Let go of what no longer serves you well.
Louise Hay is one of my favorite authors. Her book, "You Can Heal Your Life" contains many beautiful affirmations including the following:

"The past has no power over me because I am willing to learn to change. I see the past as necessary to bring me where I am today...I am willing to set myself free. " - Louise Hay

Understand that everything that has happened to you so far in your life, and every choice you've made, has made you the person you are today. Self-sabotaging feelings like guilt, blame, judgement and regret serve no other purpose than keeping you stuck and unhappy.

3) Take responsibility and action.
A good way to get unstuck is figuring out what action you can take to move beyond the pain of your current circumstances. Ask yourself, "What is my work to do?". One of the many falsehoods of feeling stuck is that you feel powerless to take action or impact your situation in any positive way. When you feel this way, remind yourself that this is not the truth. No matter how bleak or hopeless things look, you always have the power to make positive changes. When you take responsibility and action from a loving place, you will begin to move beyond your fear and see positive and accurate possibilities.

Copyright 2010 @ Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

What's Really the Truth?

There's a biblical quote, "know the truth and the truth shall set you free." But in time of great stress or loss, it can feel nearly impossible to see the truth. Fear, worry and doubt are often our companions when life gets really difficult and this can blind us from the truth. This lack of clarity due to our fears, worries, and doubts can make it nearly impossible to see a solution to our suffering. You may feel alone with whatever you are struggling with but the truth is you are not alone. Here are a few tips to help you see the truth during the tough times:

1) It helps to get a bit introspective... To see the truth, you have to be willing to look inward and be honest with yourself. You may have parts of yourself that you feel ashamed or guilty about and it helps to learn to identify these areas. Getting really clear and honest with yourself will help you get to the truth. It can be extremely uncomfortable to identify your deepest fears and shortcomings (some people are so unwilling to do this that they remain unable to move forward or make positive changes).
When you become aware of your negative beliefs and fears, you can drown them with the truth. For example, If deep down you feel like you are not good enough (most people feel this on some level) you need to embrace the truth that you are enough just as you are in this moment.

2)...But don't isolate yourself. When dealing with an extremely painful experience, you may feel raw and vulnerable. You may instinctively want to withdraw from others but that is the exact opposite of what you need. Introspection and quiet time are important to figure out what you're feeling and what you want, but you also need to be able to accept help from others. Talking about your feelings with people who are supportive, knowledgeable, and will help you move forward is essential. A strong support system will help you see the truth that you are not alone and that there are solutions to your problems. Be particular about the people with whom you choose to surround yourself. Those who want you to stay stuck because it threatens them when you change are not the support system you need.

3) Make changes with your newfound awareness. If you are in the habit of being critical of yourself or others, vow to stop this behavior immediately. Criticism is not based on the truth but is actually rooted in fear. Choose to speak only the truth to yourself and others. The loneliness and sadness of deep pain can only be healed when you learn to love yourself well and surround yourself with others capable of loving you well. Love will help you move past the fear and see the truth of what is truly possible.

Copyright 2010 @ Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

You don't have to be perfect.

One of the huge take-away messages I got from a recent business seminar I attended was that in business and in life, imperfect action is better than no action at all. Sometimes we can get so caught up in trying to be perfect, that it can paralyze us from taking action. The fear of making mistakes is often rooted in a deep-seated fear that you can never be good enough. A friend of mine recently shared with me a quote by Sophia Loren, "Mistakes are the dues one pays for living a full life." I love this quote. When you allow yourself the freedom to take risks and make mistakes, you open yourself up to so many wonderful possibilities and new experiences. Rather than beating yourself up or second-guessing yourself, try to understand how much learning can occur from making a mistake. Mistakes are often necessary to help us see the truth more clearly. The following tips should help.

1) Take responsibility. When you are first confronted with a mistake you've made or a really painful experience, it is natural to feel a sense of "why me?" or to look for someone to blame. Do not beat yourself up for feeling this way, but try to move out of the victim mentality as quickly as possible. It is so much easier to blame someone else for our difficulties, but when we do this we make ourselves small and powerless. Recognize that the only person you can change is yourself. No matter how hopeless your current situation feels, trust that you have the power to make positive changes. If you really feel stuck, seek out the help of a talented professional who can help you look at your life from an objective place (which is so hard for our families & friends to do). Their insights and recommendations can help you see a world of possibilities and changes you can make that you would have been unable to discover on your own.

2) Forgive yourself. Let go of the guilt and refuse to waste time and energy filled with regret or beating yourself up. So you made a mistake, allow yourself to be okay with being imperfect just like everyone else. When you acknowledge your imperfections (without criticizing yourself or talking about yourself in a negative way), you allow yourself to learn from your mistakes in a compassionate way and move forward with greater awareness. Compassion regarding yourself and awareness regarding your motives are key to changing dysfunctional behaviors and beliefs that keep you from living the life you want.

3) Take action with your newfound awareness. Maya Angelou has a beautiful quote, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. " There are so many stages of awareness. Part of my own personal growth, and what I now teach others, has been learning to become aware of negative beliefs and behaviors that are so ingrained in us that we are not even aware of them. We all have blind spots when it comes to our own behaviors and motives. Working with someone who can help you see your blind spots and bring you to a new level of awareness is life changing. Once you become aware of self-defeating behaviors or old, untrue beliefs you have about yourself, you can release them and embrace the beauty and truth of the life you were meant to live.


Copyright 2010 @ Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Holding on to Anger?

Many of us have been conditioned since childhood to believe that anger is bad. Women especially are expected to keep the peace in our homes and our relationships and we often feel guilty or ashamed when we feel angry. Yet being honest about our anger and being able to feel it and release it is crucial to our happiness and well-being.

There's a Buddhist expression which states, "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

I love this quote because it really captures the idea that when you get stuck in anger the person you are hurting the most is you. Here are some tips to try the next time anger rears its ugly head:

1) Acknowledge your feelings.
Try not be afraid of your anger. Anger is an important indicator that something has happened that feels extremely unfair or that is touching upon an old fear or deep emotional wound. Anger can also be an important motivator to make necessary changes in your life. Anger gets your attention and is your body's way of saying, "What just happened is pretty important! Do not ignore me!"

2) Figure out what happened to make you feel angry.
Pinpoint exactly when and why you started to feel angry. Is it triggering any old wounds from your past? When you feel emotions such as outrage or disgust with another person, try to take a look at why you are reacting this way. What is it about this person or situation that is angering you and what does it reveal about you? Take your angry feelings as a signal to dig deeper and learn more about yourself and what motivates you.

3) Remember the best four letter word when you feel rageful.
I learned this from Nancy Samalin, a parenting expert, who I really admire. Nancy teaches that the best four letter word to use when you feel about to explode is: EXIT. It is also best to state your feelings, "I'm feeling really angry right now and I need some time alone to calm down before I say or do anything else", and exit the situation. I love this approach because it allows you to state how you are feeling (angry), and you ask for what you need (time and space). It also acknowledges the truth that you will not remain angry forever and you will be able to work on the issue more effectively when you have worked through your anger and returned to a calmer state.

4) Forgive, Forgive, Forgive.
When you treat yourself and others compassionately by accepting that it is okay to get angry and make mistakes, you will be able to express and release your feelings, and communicate your needs more openly. When you become skilled at forgiving yourself and others with ease, you give yourself and others a tremendous gift.

Copyright 2010 @ Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

It's Not Selfish (To Take Care of Yourself)

Many of us have been programmed to believe we must take care of everyone else before we take care of ourselves. Yet if we want to create a life filled with happiness and joy, putting our needs last is a very poor strategy. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. After my miscarriages, I had to ask myself a lot of tough questions and examine my patterns of interactions with others that were not serving me well. One thing I used to do regularly was put everyone else's needs ahead of my own. As a result I often felt resentful and depleted.

Change did not come overnight but I have become much better over the years at figuring out what I want and need and practicing good self care. If this is something you struggle with, keep the following in mind:

1) Gain awareness of your behavior. Try to listen to your body and pay attention to how you feel physically and emotionally when you put others' needs ahead of your own. Do you notice a tightness and tension in your chest or another part of your body? When you give endlessly without nurturing your own needs for rest, health, love, and joy- you will eventually deplete your energy and experience all kinds of negative emotions and physical problems.

2) Notice the positive effects of taking care of yourself.
Do you feel a sense of contentment when you nurture yourself? You may realize that the things that make you happiest are often pretty simple- giving yourself time for exercise you enjoy, getting plenty of rest, and exploring your interests and passions. Notice how much lighter you feel physically and mentally when you pay attention to what you want and honor your needs. When you feel strong and nurtured, you are so much better equipped to give to others.

3) Remember, any time of loss or tumultuous period in your life always offers an opportunity for personal growth. As difficult as the painful times are, tremendous personal insight can be gained when you treat yourself with patience and compassion. Give yourself the time and space to experience all of your feelings. This time may also help you to uncover your deepest fears and desires. When you learn to honor your needs, you will allow yourself to see the truth and the tremendous gifts you already possess

Copyright 2010 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

What's That Fear About?

My daughters have the day off tomorrow in honor of the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday. We've been talking a lot about Martin Luther King, Jr., the Civil Rights Movement, and people like Rosa Parks and how brave they were. They must have been filled with incredible fear at times. But they were able to find the strength to break through their fears and as a result of their courage, so many millions of lives have been changed in a positive way. I love the image of Rosa Parks sitting in her bus seat after a long day of work and the courage it took for her to refuse to give up her seat to a white man. "I knew someone had to take the first step and I made up my mind not to move." she would later say. Her decision was filled with all sorts of negative consequences for her in that moment. Yet years later, she remains a symbol of an incredibly brave woman who stood up for what was right regardless of her fear and the negative personal consequences she had to endure.

For many of us, our greatest fear comes down to what other people will think of us. That fear of being judged by others often underlies our inability to move forward in our lives and create the change we seek. If you are feeling stuck in a certain area of your life ask yourself the following:

What am I really afraid of?

So many of us spend a huge portion of our lives running from our deepest fears. We use all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms such as eating too much, numbing ourselves with alcohol, drugs, shopping, or workaholism to try to avoid our fears. Your fear will always have control over you until you gain enough self-awareness to figure out what is at the root of your fear. It can be extremely challenging work to figure out what you are really afraid of and it involves a lot of introspection and honesty. Sometimes it will involve working with a talented therapist, coach, or mentor to help you figure out the root cause of your fear and how it is stopping you from creating the life that you want.

Part of my personal transformation after my miscarriages involved letting go of my fears and needs around pleasing other people. My struggle included learning to speak up for myself and not holding my thoughts inside for fear of what others would think. I still struggle at times, but I have learned through experience that when I begin to feel afraid to speak my mind, that an old fear has crept back in and I need to speak up and share my thoughts honestly. When we are honest with each other, even when we disagree, a deeper level of understanding and acceptance can occur.

It takes tremendous strength to face your fears and admit when you feel vulnerable. You have to ask yourself if the pain of facing your fears and creating change is stronger than the pain of remaining where you are. Life will always be filled with new struggles, challenges and opportunities. True fulfillment lies in facing our fears and finding joy in the journey.

Copyright 2010 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Where Are You Putting Your Energy?

As many of you know, my three miscarriages completely changed my life. The pain of those losses started me on a course of change and self-discovery that will continue for the rest of my life. That experience taught me that the power to change and create my own experiences lies within myself. You have this power too.

Last week's blog focused a lot about creating your vision for what your ideal life looks like. This vision will give you many clues as to where you should be putting your energy. While having a clear vision is crucial for creating the life that you want, equally important is learning to live fully and presently in every moment of your life. This will allow you to enjoy as much of life as possible without spending all of your energy focused on future events. The time to enjoy life is right now, not tomorrow, and not when all of your dreams come true. Living in the moment takes practice, but you can train yourself to do it. Here are a few tips that I have learned to incorporate as part of my daily thinking. They can make a big difference in your daily experience and in the quality of your relationships.

1) Emulate what you admire. Pay attention to what you admire in others. These are clues for you about the areas in your own life in which you'll want to focus your energy. If you admire how successful or prosperous someone is or how in shape they are, don't allow yourself to get caught up in jealousy or envy. These emotions imply that someone else has something that you can never have. Know that there is enough for all of us and that you can create whatever you want for yourself. You creating something wonderful for yourself does not take anything away from someone else.

2) Remember you can't change other people. This was one of the greatest relationship tips I ever received (and a lesson I seem to need to keep re-learning). If you are feeling critical of others, take this as a sign that you are off track. Look specifically at what is aggravating you about the other person. If you are completely honest with yourself, you may see that you are engaging in a similar pattern of behavior somewhere else in your own life. Focusing your energy on what is wrong with someone else is a great way of avoiding moving forward in your own life.

3) Get rid of the guilt. Guilt is the ultimate energy sucker. As a lifelong Catholic, I am very familiar with guilt. I used to feel guilty about everything. If you suffer from endless guilt too, try to repeat the following until it becomes your mantra, "Guilt is a waste of time and energy." If you are feeling guilty about something, spend some time figuring out the root cause of what led you to take the action that is now causing you guilt and regret. Find compassion for yourself, forgive yourself, and move on with greater self-awareness and wisdom. All of the energy formerly spent on guilt can now be channeled into making positive changes in your life.

Copyright 2010 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Moving Through Uncertainty

A turning point in my grief came one night on the phone with my brother, Dominic, a physician. It was several months after my third miscarriage and after countless medical tests and invasive procedures, no cause could be found for any of my pregnancy losses. My mood vacillated between sadness, numbness and anger. I was exhausting myself with my inability to move forward but felt powerless to move beyond my pain. I felt certain that if someone in the medical profession could just tell me the reason "why" I had miscarried three times (and be able to guarantee that I would never miscarry again), I would finally have my answers and be able to move beyond my grief.

In his calm and loving way, Dominic read to me from one of his medical books which stated that in a large percentage of early miscarriages a cause is never found. "Annemarie, you have to accept the fact that you will probably never know why any of your miscarriages happened. You'll have to learn to live without ever knowing why."

The power of his words were a shock to my system and opened up even more layers of grief for me. "How will I ever be able to heal and find closure if I never know why?," I wondered. The whole concept seemed impossible, but started helping me to get unstuck because it allowed me to begin to let go of an unanswerable question. Letting go of the "why" helped me to focus my attention where it needed to be- on my loss and the depth of my feelings surrounding all that I had lost.

As I worked through my pain, I began to ask myself different questions. I spent time writing down my answers and visualizing what I had written. It amazes me to go over the answers I wrote all of those years ago and see that I have created for myself the life I envisioned back then.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• "If you were in the best possible health, how would you feel and look?" "How can you create this for yourself?"

• "If you could have the life of your dreams what would it look like? Where would you live? What would your home be like? What would you do for work? What would your relationships be like? How much money would you like to make?"
  
  This is a powerful exercise to gain clarity about what you want. The exercise helped me see that while I had spent so much time focused on having a child, there was so much more to my life and dreams than having children. It reminded me of my hopes and passions in all the other areas in my life. Just the act of writing down your answers, visualizing what you want, and letting yourself feel the positive emotions of receiving all that you want can feel exciting and motivating. It will help you begin to see the possibilities that exist and give you the courage to move through your uncertainty.
  
  Copyright 2010 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved