Miscarriage is a devastating loss for many of us and anniversary reactions are common with miscarriage too. October 18th, December 13th, March 3rd. These dates may be just random dates for you, or they may be dates of special significance- maybe the birthday or wedding anniversary of someone you know or perhaps even your own special day. For me, these are the dates of my three miscarriages. You may have your own similar dates that hold equally sad significance for you. One woman shared with me that she rarely remembered the dates of her miscarriages, but she always remembered the due dates of when her children should have been born had the pregnancies not ended in miscarriages. These due dates often triggered anniversary reactions in her. Some women do not remember specific dates but remember the general time of year that the miscarriage occurred and experience anniversary reactions around that same time each year. For some, anniversaries are not an issue at all- but if anniversaries are a challenging time for you, here are some guidelines for coping:
- Accept your feelings without judgement. Some years, an anniversary will pass and I will not even remember until days after that it had been one of those dreaded dates. Other times, I am deeply aware of the approaching date, and breathe a sigh of relief when the day passes by. I used to feel guilty if an anniversary went by and I did not remember it. It was yet another way for me to punish myself for a loss that I felt at a very deep and unconscious level was my fault. The sense of blame many of us carry around with us is destructive and undeserved. Learning to forgive ourselves and being easy on ourselves is essential for healing.
- TLC ( Tender Loving Care) is always appropriate. I now schedule these dates well in advance as days off from work every year. I used to try to work on these dates and often found myself either getting sick, or feeling really drained and resentful about helping others on a day where I often felt unable to get out of my own way. Then I remembered that its really a waste of time to be aggravated that others are not taking care of me in the way that I need when its my job to take care of myself. I have learned to nurture myself in whatever way I need on those days. Some years I just stay in my pajamas and rest (without guilt), other years I enjoy the company of those closest to me, or I treat myself to a massage or pedicure. I have learned to let go of any pre-conceived notions of how I will feel on that day or what I will want to do. I just go with the flow and do whatever feels the most nurturing to me in the moment. I am a strong believer that you can not take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself. These days are good reminders to do just that.
- Do something positive to remember. I love the idea of planting a tree, or some beautiful perennial flowers that will bloom every year. Its a wonderful, living tribute to the memory of the baby that was loved so much. Others have shared that writing a poem or buying or creating a work of art in memory of their baby serve as a beautiful, tangible reminder that love lives on.
- Remember, this too shall pass. On those anniversaries that are especially hard, it can often feel like a thick grey fog of depression envelops us on that day. When we honor our needs, and treat ourselves with patience and kindness, this anniversary-related fog often lifts as suddenly as it appeared.
Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved
No comments:
Post a Comment