Did you just say that (to yourself)?

For years I was unaware of how consistently and negatively I spoke to myself through my own thoughts. Once I started paying attention to the running dialogue in my head, I began to notice how frequently I was criticizing myself. Starting from the moment I woke up in the morning and looked in the mirror, I would immediately focus on what I thought was wrong with the person staring back at me rather than what was right. My inner critique would run continuously throughout the day. I rarely gave myself a break. My inner voice was constantly criticizing my actions ("Why'd you just say that? That was really dumb" or "You are such a slacker" were common refrains to myself throughout the day) I eventually learned that getting rid of my habit of beating myself up was vital to my personal growth and my ability to experience true joy and happiness.

Any experts on parenting or relationships are quick to tell us that criticism of our children or partners never changes a thing. Criticism of others just makes them feel defensive and erodes their self esteem. Our criticism of ourselves works in the same way- it never helps us change either, it just wears us down.

Here are a few tips to help remind us of the importance of treating ourselves kindly and compassionately at all times:

• Become aware of your own thoughts. We can not change something we are unaware of, so start by noticing how you talk to yourself during the day. If you are noticing critical thoughts, what seems to trigger them? Are there certain people,situations, or times of day that seem to trigger you to have more negative thoughts about yourself? Making a mental note or even writing down what sorts of things you tell yourself is a vital first step to beginning to change how you talk to yourself.

• Refuse to criticize yourself. I am a huge fan of Louise Hay who has built a self-help empire on teaching people to love themselves. Louise insists that we must stop all criticism of ourselves "now and forever more". Whenever I need to remind myself to be easier on myself, I grab her CD, "How to Love Yourself" and play it in my car as I run my errands. Listening to her simple and beautiful philosophy of life helps remind me to get back on track.

• Vow to always treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. If you can commit to doing this, you will begin to notice the positive changes it brings in your life. The more I made being loving to myself a habit, I began to notice it was so much easier to love the people around me. The easier I became towards myself, the easier I started to be on the people I loved. I am a firm believer in "what we give out, comes back to us". When we love ourselves and others unconditionally, we will be amazed by the abundance of love we receive back.
  
  Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Understanding Our Fertility

One of my all-time favorite books is "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" by Dr. Christiane Northrup. I keep it right on my nightstand, and refer to it often. Its a huge book (well over 900 pages) and I love that it's overflowing with such gems of wisdom that I can open up to any page and read something that will make me think. The chapter on fertility really helped transform my thinking after my miscarriages. In this chapter, Dr. Northrup asks the following:

"What if we started now to teach our young women that they have inherent worth- and that though they may choose to have a baby, there are many other opportunities open to them as well? What if they knew that their menstrual cycles are part of their sacred connection with the earth and the moon- and their sexuality needn't necessarily be shared with a man? What if they knew that their wombs, whether or not they had children, are their body center for creativity- and that the womb has its own meaning and value, separate from being a potential carrier for children?" (pg 443)

These questions began to open my eyes to the true meaning of fertility and helped me to realize that my self-worth did not have to be tied up with whether I produced a child or not. Expanding our concept of fertility allows us to develop a greater appreciation of our tremendous power as women.

Many women who are struggling with feelings of blame, self-hatred or low self-esteem because they are having trouble either getting pregnant or staying pregnant (or both) may feel that their identity as a woman is being threatened by their inability to have a child of their own. Nothing could be further from the truth. Our sense of self-worth as women should not be dependent on whether or not we are able to produce children. There is great love and beauty inside each and every one of us whether we give birth to a child or not.

Learning to look inside of ourselves to connect with our own power and creativity will help us begin to see the unique beauty and energy inside each of us. We each have the power to create and give life to new ideas, projects and relationships every day of our lives. Creating, loving and nurturing our many unique creations is the pathway to a truly abundant and fertile life.

References:
Christiane Northrup, Women's Bodies Women's Wisdom, (New York: Bantom Books, 1998).

Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Learning From Vulnerability

The physical vulnerability we experience during miscarriage can feel downright scary and can intensify our grief. Not only are we losing someone we already love and do not want to lose but we experience intense physical pain during the process. Many women find the physical pain of miscarriage so severe they just wish for the process to be over with and then feel guilty for feeling this way. I found the pain of miscarriage to be much more painful than labor because when the miscarriage is completed, sorrow and loss are waiting rather than a new little life. The unfairness of it all is overwhelming. Miscarriage leaves us so vulnerable because we have lost a part of ourselves. We feel physically and emotionally traumatized, which can cause us to feel very vulnerable. As frightening as vulnerability feels, we can learn a lot from this temporary state of helplessness.

• Validate to ourselves why we feel vulnerable. Remember, we have experienced a profound and painful loss, that anyone would find difficult. We are not being weak by struggling with our experience. The fact that we feel so sad and lost is a testament to our capacity to love.
  
• Take stock of what we still have. Although we have lost someone extremely important to us who we never got to meet, there are still others around us who are alive and well and love us. Trying to focus on those relationships that nurture and sustain us can help us feel less lost and alone.
  
• Seek out help from others who understand. While I'm all about being a strong, independent woman, an important part of being strong is asking for help when we need it. Seek out support from others who have been through a similar loss. Allow yourself to find healing from others who have survived the struggles you now face.
  
• Build up our inner strength. Develop the habit of being kind, compassionate and nurturing of yourself at all times. Refuse to criticize yourself. Truly loving the fabulous person you are will make you stronger. Pay attention to activities which bring you joy, and make these activities part of your daily routine. Recognize the strength it takes to overcome this powerful loss. See how strong you are as a result of all you have endured.
  
  
  Copyright 2009 © Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved