Give Yourself a Gift

I have always loved this time of year. However the year that I miscarried right before Christmas- the holidays became unbearably bleak and lonely. I remember decorating the tree listening to Christmas music and crying because the song "Baby's First Christmas" came on. I had always thought it was a corny song but that year it became a cruel reminder of all that I had lost. I felt slapped by the reality that everywhere I turned it seemed as if everyone else was blissfully celebrating during the exact lowest moment in my life. I could not wait for the holidays to be over that year. You may be feeling that way this year. If so, here are a few tips to help you take care of yourself so you can get through the holidays as painlessly as possible:

1) Honor your feelings. Remind yourself you have a right to all of your feelings including your anger and sadness. The holidays are often very focused on children, so this time of year may feel especially painful and even intensify your feelings of loss. You may feel pressured by others to get into the "holiday spirit" which may feel impossible. Whatever you are feeling is completely understandable. You are grieving a tremendous loss- the loss of a child you loved and never got to meet, and the loss of a dream.

2) Put yourself first. Don't worry about ruining the holidays for others, just try to figure out what will be the most helpful for you and then go with it. What feels helpful may change from minute to minute, and that's okay. It's okay to not want to be around crowds of people. Don't force yourself to pretend that you are feeling fine if you are not. Our culture does not deal well with death and miscarriage is often an unrecognized loss. You may feel pressured by others to get over your grief quickly. Understand that if you feel this pressure from others that this is a reflection of their own issue and ignorance rather than anything that you are doing wrong.

3) Be kind and gentle with yourself. Pay attention to your inner voice. Are you criticizing yourself, blaming yourself, or being impatient with yourself? Vow to take a zero tolerance approach to any kind of self-criticism. Treat yourself as you would someone you love deeply who has suffered a tremendous loss. You would not berate a dear friend for feeling understandably sad or angry, so do not engage in any kind of self-punishing behavior toward yourself.
Give yourself the gift of treating yourself as a treasured friend this year. It may feel difficult at first, but if you learn to make this a habit, it will help you immensely during the grief process. The gift of nurturing yourself and honoring your own needs can become the way you treat yourself for the rest of your life- a truly priceless gift.

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