Men and Miscarriage

Perhaps my first hint that my husband, Kirk, and I were going to react very differently to miscarriage occurred on the night of my first miscarriage. A little over six weeks pregnant, Kirk and I had gone out to dinner with my parents to celebrate. I remember falling asleep that night, snuggled up with him and reveling in my good fortune. I woke up abruptly in the middle of the night with an intense and painful ripping sensation in my lower abdomen. I knew instantly that something awful was happening. Crying, I woke Kirk up and told him what had happened. He remained remarkably calm. He held me close, told me I was probably worrying for nothing, all would be well in the morning and that I just needed to go back to sleep. I so wanted to believe his words and marveled at his ability to go right back to sleep. I clung to him in the dark as sleep alluded me. My thoughts were focused on our baby who I knew at that moment was dying. I wept quietly throughout the night until I fell asleep exhausted. I felt that I was losing something precious that I had not fully appreciated and had now lost forever. The ensuing days and months were filled with my nearly indescribable grief. Kirk tried to be supportive but as time went on, it became obvious that he did not share my depth of loss. I wanted to talk about the pregnancy loss almost constantly yet Kirk just wanted me to move on.

As I have researched the impact of miscarriage on couples, I have found that my experience is not so unique. While some women do report feeling closer to their partners after miscarriage, many women do not. There are a variety of reasons for this disconnect between couples after miscarriage. 74% of participants in one study reported coping with miscarriage differently from their spouses. Researchers have found that while most women wished to talk about their loss, most men preferred to not talk about it. Men's responses to miscarriage suggest that the baby is less real to them and that their greatest concern is the well-being of their partner. Men's responses can range from feeling despair, and sadness to being personally unaffected or frustrated by their partner's grief. Many men fear they will say the wrong thing, and thus try to avoid saying anything at all. This lack of communication increases their partners loneliness and isolation. One study found that after miscarriage, 85% of couples do not share their feelings fully with each other. Women who felt the least supported by their partners and who felt an overall lack of social support had the most difficult time coping.

If you are feeling a lack of support from your partner, here are a few suggestions to help:

• Pick a time when you and your partner are not tired or stressed to discuss your feelings. Try to stick to the topic of how you are feeling. Do not attack your partner or jump to the conclusion that just because he may not share your grief feelings that he is a bad person. Men just don't physically know what it feels like to have a little life growing inside of them. They may have not bonded with the baby-to-be like an expectant mother would. You have a right to your feelings and your partner has a right to his. The more understood each of you feel by each other, the easier it will be to stay connected and cope with your loss.
• Clearly state what you need. The more specific you can be the better. Being able to say something like, "I've been blaming myself a lot and feeling unlovable, I need you to hug me and tell me you love me." is pretty clear. Sometimes women may feel resentful about having to come right out and tell their partner what they need. I have heard countless times, "If he really loved me he should know what I need without me telling him". Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth. None of us can be expected to read each other's minds. Our failure to state our own needs clearly and ask for what we need most often leads to hurt, resentment and misunderstanding.
• Seek support. Sometimes the greatest support comes not from one's partner but from other women who have experienced the same loss. I am a strong proponent of support groups. The services I offer have been created to help women cope with miscarriage more effectively and to feel more supported, understood and strengthened.
  
  References
  Murphy FA. (1998). The experience of early miscarriage from a male perspective. J Clin Nurs 7, 325-32.
  
  Miron J, Chapman JS. (1994). Supporting men's experiences with the event of their partners' miscarriage. Can J Nurs Res 26, 61-72.
  
  Puddifoot JE, Johnson MP. (1997). The legitimacy of grieving: the partner's experience at miscarriage. Soc Sci Med 45, 837-45.
  
  Swanson, KM, Karmali, ZA, Powell, SH, and Pulvermakher, F (2003). Miscarriage Effects on Couples' Interpersonal and Sexual Relationships During the First Year After Loss: Women's Perceptions. Psychosomatic Medicine 65, 902-910.
  
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