What I learned last night at dinner...

Last night, my husband, Kirk, surprised the girls and I by taking us out to dinner. It's been months since the four of us have gone to a restaurant together and I was basking in the warmth of being with my three favorite people. We were all in happy, light moods and the conversation flowed easily.

Our waitress was lovely and attentive and after our food came, she came to our table and warmly asked, "How is everything? Just let me know if you need anything, okay?"

I was in my bliss and turned to Anika & Sophia and said excitedly, "Wow! This is the fabulous thing about restaurants, girls! They want you to have a wonderful time and they actually stop over to see how you're doing and whether you need anything! How many times does that ever happen?".

The girls looked confused and Anika spoke, "Actually, Mommy you talk to us that way all the time."

I paused, "I do?".

Sophia chimed in, "Well not every single second of the day, but a lot of the time you do." I looked at Kirk who nodded in agreement.

The whole thing got me thinking. Yes, the evening was lovely but the way I was just soaking everything up was a clue to me that something more was going on. I realized I have been desiring TLC and pampering for awhile, offering it freely to others, and yet have not been allowing myself to receive it in the ways I crave.

So many of us get so caught up in taking care of everyone else's needs that we forget to invest the same time in checking in with ourselves and making sure we have everything we need. I have come a long way over the years, but like everything else, I am learning this act of loving myself well is a life-long process.

Try to take some quiet time this week to check in with yourself and ask yourself what you desire. The answers that come to you may surprise you. Hear your answers with compassion and love for yourself. Notice any feelings of unworthiness, or self-judgement that may come up. Release any negative messages and take action on whatever your heart desires.


Positive Message for the Week:
I love myself well, and take time to honor my heart's desire. I nurture myself daily.

Looking For Answers? They're Closer Than You Think...

The low-point in my life, my struggle with multiple miscarriages, brought a pivotal shift in my thinking about my body. During my darkest moments, I was filled with anger, self-loathing and shame about my body. I looked to Doctor after Doctor to fix my body but to no avail. I felt like a victim and felt powerless to change my circumstances. I was trapped in a body that felt like my enemy. It was awful!

My turning point came when upon the advice of my brother, a family practice physician, I began to search for the answers inside myself rather than from outside sources. I began to work on forgiving myself and embracing all that I had instead of focusing on what I did not yet have. I began to work with my body instead of against it. It sounds simple but it took a fundamental shift in my mindset to begin to see myself and my body in this new, more compassionate way. As I gradually discarded my old ways of thinking, I replaced my old negative messages with new, more empowering messages.

I highly recommend, "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" by Dr. Christiane Northrup. It's a huge book but a tremendous resource for all women who are looking to change the way they view their bodies. It woke me up to the miracle that our bodies really are and became the foundation for the way I live and what I teach others.

I recently had the honor of working with Dr. Kirk Prine and Donny Lobree, Body Story Experts. You can check out their amazing work at www.themissingthread.com. As much progress I've made over the years, they helped me uncover and release another layer of shame, guilt and anger from my past that I had been carrying around for years. It reminded me that our healing and growth is a never-ending process. There are always more layers to uncover and we need to be kind and compassionate with ourselves on this journey. It can be terrifying to take action to confront our limiting beliefs and create change but what awaits us on the other side is always better.

Positive Message for the week:
I love and appreciate my body.

When you have the urge to criticize your body this week, resist your natural tendency to be critical about your supposed flaws. Replace any negative messages you normally tell yourself with the above positive message. It may feel weird or untrue at first, but try to feel as much gratitude and love for yourself and your body as you can in this moment. Love yourself and your body in this moment, just as it is.

Embracing Your Limiting Beliefs

The more I work with individuals, the more I realize that no matter how phenomenal you are- you will still struggle at times with negative and limiting beliefs. Some examples of limiting beliefs include,

"I'm not smart or capable enough"

"I can't express my true feelings"

or even, "I need to help everyone in order to be loved"

These beliefs are often ingrained since childhood. Even those individuals with loving upbringings can carry old wounds from the past which impact the choices they make in the present moment.

The key to permanently releasing the power our limiting beliefs hold over us is to acknowledge and embrace them. This may sound counter intuitive but trying to run from them or beat them into submission never works.

Look at some key areas of your life:

health
career
money
friends
family
romance

A clue that limiting beliefs may be at work in your life is if the reality of your life in one or more of these areas is different than your ideal. When your beliefs and actions are in alignment with your goals then your actual day to day existence should mirror your deepest desires.

It is important to understand that your limiting beliefs originated long ago for one of two possible reasons:

1) To make you happy
2) To keep you safe

For example, someone who grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent may have learned to keep secrets and tell others what they wanted to hear rather than the truth in order to stay safe. However, as an adult these same behaviors and beliefs, if left unchecked and unchanged-would wreak havoc on their ability to have trusting, intimate and loving relationships.

Once you recognize your limiting beliefs, start working with them. I find writing to be extremely powerful. You can start jotting down your limiting beliefs as you become aware of them. Then start creating new beliefs that are more positive and representative of the person you wish to become. Whenever you notice the limiting beliefs coming up, you can remind yourself why they originated in the first place, thank them for trying to help but lovingly and compassionately replace them with your new positive and empowering belief.


Copyright 2010 @ Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Lessons Fear and Pain Taught Me...

The pain of my recurrent miscarriages taught me many life lessons. These lessons have continued to help me when I've faced other painful struggles since. Here are a couple of tips I learned that can help when times get tough:

1) Acknowledge the fear, but do what is required anyway.

I worked through many fears when facing the pain of my miscarriages. I now know the depth of loving someone I will never meet, wanting something so badly and yet having it ripped away from me anyway. Many of my fears were based around the false belief that I had no purpose in life if I could not have a child. I feared that others viewed me with pity and I feared that if I allowed myself to actually cry for as long as I wanted, that I would be unable to stop crying- ever. So many women who have endured miscarriage speak of fearing that they may be going crazy. This fear is based on the inner turmoil of trying to present an outer appearance of calm and normalcy when inside a part of us literally has died.

The truth is that when I allowed myself the time and space to cry for as long as I needed, I did not cry forever. I actually spent a weekend in bed in my pajamas and allowed myself to cry for as long as I needed. I sobbed for hours and hours. I went through several boxes of tissues but the tears eventually stopped and brought cleansing and healing.

Take time to get in touch with your fears. Know that when you feel fearful, some belief that is not the truth is getting in your way. By getting clear about your fears, you can begin to chip away at them and realize that the only way to rid yourself of them is to face them head on.

2) Be honest and authentic.

Prior to my miscarriages I had been a habitual people pleaser.
I used to say "yes" even when I wanted to say "no" and I put my needs last behind everyone else's. During my healing, I realized the harm I was doing to myself emotionally and physically by devaluing myself. I vowed to stop and refused to fake any of my feelings any more.

I began to trust my inner wisdom and share my thoughts honestly. When people asked how I was, I began to tell the truth. I would reply, "I'm actually having a hard time" and sometimes even burst into tears. Did this scare some people away? Yes, it did. But I understood that those who fled were not the people I wanted in my life anyway.

There is a great quote by Dr. Seuss,

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Give yourself the freedom to face your fears and speak your truth, there is nothing more empowering.

Copyright 2010 @ Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

Three Tips To Get Unstuck

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, problems arise in your life and you feel stuck. When you're stuck you're unable to see a positive solution or outcome to your current struggle. With all the inner work I have done over the years, I'm always a bit incredulous when I get to a place of feeling stuck. I usually initially experience anger and frustration and think, "I've already dealt with this issue before and handled it, how is it back in my life again rearing its ugly head?".
The fact is breaking through fears and limiting beliefs is a lifelong process. You get stronger every time you become aware of your fears or old limiting beliefs and find the courage to move beyond them, but the truth is there is no endpoint to personal growth. Here are three tips to help you the next time you feel stuck:

1) Be grateful for your awareness.
You must become aware of what the problem truly is before you can work on changing it. So many people go through life unwilling to examine their lives in any honest way. Gaining awareness about what really is the problem requires a lot of self-honesty and is the first step toward changing and moving forward. If you are self-aware enough to notice that an area of your life is problematic, congratulate yourself on being able to identify the problem. Without your awareness of the problem, change and growth would be impossible.

2) Let go of what no longer serves you well.
Louise Hay is one of my favorite authors. Her book, "You Can Heal Your Life" contains many beautiful affirmations including the following:

"The past has no power over me because I am willing to learn to change. I see the past as necessary to bring me where I am today...I am willing to set myself free. " - Louise Hay

Understand that everything that has happened to you so far in your life, and every choice you've made, has made you the person you are today. Self-sabotaging feelings like guilt, blame, judgement and regret serve no other purpose than keeping you stuck and unhappy.

3) Take responsibility and action.
A good way to get unstuck is figuring out what action you can take to move beyond the pain of your current circumstances. Ask yourself, "What is my work to do?". One of the many falsehoods of feeling stuck is that you feel powerless to take action or impact your situation in any positive way. When you feel this way, remind yourself that this is not the truth. No matter how bleak or hopeless things look, you always have the power to make positive changes. When you take responsibility and action from a loving place, you will begin to move beyond your fear and see positive and accurate possibilities.

Copyright 2010 @ Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

What's Really the Truth?

There's a biblical quote, "know the truth and the truth shall set you free." But in time of great stress or loss, it can feel nearly impossible to see the truth. Fear, worry and doubt are often our companions when life gets really difficult and this can blind us from the truth. This lack of clarity due to our fears, worries, and doubts can make it nearly impossible to see a solution to our suffering. You may feel alone with whatever you are struggling with but the truth is you are not alone. Here are a few tips to help you see the truth during the tough times:

1) It helps to get a bit introspective... To see the truth, you have to be willing to look inward and be honest with yourself. You may have parts of yourself that you feel ashamed or guilty about and it helps to learn to identify these areas. Getting really clear and honest with yourself will help you get to the truth. It can be extremely uncomfortable to identify your deepest fears and shortcomings (some people are so unwilling to do this that they remain unable to move forward or make positive changes).
When you become aware of your negative beliefs and fears, you can drown them with the truth. For example, If deep down you feel like you are not good enough (most people feel this on some level) you need to embrace the truth that you are enough just as you are in this moment.

2)...But don't isolate yourself. When dealing with an extremely painful experience, you may feel raw and vulnerable. You may instinctively want to withdraw from others but that is the exact opposite of what you need. Introspection and quiet time are important to figure out what you're feeling and what you want, but you also need to be able to accept help from others. Talking about your feelings with people who are supportive, knowledgeable, and will help you move forward is essential. A strong support system will help you see the truth that you are not alone and that there are solutions to your problems. Be particular about the people with whom you choose to surround yourself. Those who want you to stay stuck because it threatens them when you change are not the support system you need.

3) Make changes with your newfound awareness. If you are in the habit of being critical of yourself or others, vow to stop this behavior immediately. Criticism is not based on the truth but is actually rooted in fear. Choose to speak only the truth to yourself and others. The loneliness and sadness of deep pain can only be healed when you learn to love yourself well and surround yourself with others capable of loving you well. Love will help you move past the fear and see the truth of what is truly possible.

Copyright 2010 @ Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved

You don't have to be perfect.

One of the huge take-away messages I got from a recent business seminar I attended was that in business and in life, imperfect action is better than no action at all. Sometimes we can get so caught up in trying to be perfect, that it can paralyze us from taking action. The fear of making mistakes is often rooted in a deep-seated fear that you can never be good enough. A friend of mine recently shared with me a quote by Sophia Loren, "Mistakes are the dues one pays for living a full life." I love this quote. When you allow yourself the freedom to take risks and make mistakes, you open yourself up to so many wonderful possibilities and new experiences. Rather than beating yourself up or second-guessing yourself, try to understand how much learning can occur from making a mistake. Mistakes are often necessary to help us see the truth more clearly. The following tips should help.

1) Take responsibility. When you are first confronted with a mistake you've made or a really painful experience, it is natural to feel a sense of "why me?" or to look for someone to blame. Do not beat yourself up for feeling this way, but try to move out of the victim mentality as quickly as possible. It is so much easier to blame someone else for our difficulties, but when we do this we make ourselves small and powerless. Recognize that the only person you can change is yourself. No matter how hopeless your current situation feels, trust that you have the power to make positive changes. If you really feel stuck, seek out the help of a talented professional who can help you look at your life from an objective place (which is so hard for our families & friends to do). Their insights and recommendations can help you see a world of possibilities and changes you can make that you would have been unable to discover on your own.

2) Forgive yourself. Let go of the guilt and refuse to waste time and energy filled with regret or beating yourself up. So you made a mistake, allow yourself to be okay with being imperfect just like everyone else. When you acknowledge your imperfections (without criticizing yourself or talking about yourself in a negative way), you allow yourself to learn from your mistakes in a compassionate way and move forward with greater awareness. Compassion regarding yourself and awareness regarding your motives are key to changing dysfunctional behaviors and beliefs that keep you from living the life you want.

3) Take action with your newfound awareness. Maya Angelou has a beautiful quote, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. " There are so many stages of awareness. Part of my own personal growth, and what I now teach others, has been learning to become aware of negative beliefs and behaviors that are so ingrained in us that we are not even aware of them. We all have blind spots when it comes to our own behaviors and motives. Working with someone who can help you see your blind spots and bring you to a new level of awareness is life changing. Once you become aware of self-defeating behaviors or old, untrue beliefs you have about yourself, you can release them and embrace the beauty and truth of the life you were meant to live.


Copyright 2010 @ Miscarriage Support System - All Rights Reserved