Surviving Anniversary Reactions

The thing about Anniversary reactions is that they can sneak up on you unexpectedly. The term "Anniversary reactions" was first created to describe the phenomenon of someone feeling grief-stricken all over again on the anniversary date that someone they loved died. Anniversary reactions can happen in regard to any traumatic event including miscarriage. Try not to judge yourself too harshly if you have a particularly difficult time at certain times of year. You may feel sad on the actual anniversary date of your miscarriage or you may have more trouble on the anniversary of your baby's due date. Here are some tips to support yourself during the low points:

1) Develop Awareness.
Noticing that you tend to feel sad or low around certain times of year is the first step toward developing awareness. No problem can be changed unless you first become aware that there is indeed a problem. Becoming aware takes a lot of self-honesty. Surround yourself with insightful and supportive people who want what is best for you and who will point out to you when you are off track. Having supportive friends and people in your life who are constantly trying to grow and change for the better will help you grow and change too. This is part of the reason support groups can be so powerful. They help develop awareness and strength by sharing your struggles and supporting each other to make positive changes.

2) Take an inventory.
Check in with yourself frequently and ask yourself what you are feeling. Are you feeling guilt, blame, shame, or regret? For years I would torture myself with all of these emotions surrounding my pregnancy losses. I learned that these were just old patterns and that when I felt these emotions it became a signal to me that I was way off track. You can train yourself to recognize that these emotions are a waste of time and energy. Refuse to participate in feeling guilty or blaming yourself. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can and vow to release the guilt and blame for good.

3) Focus on the love.
Look at the fact that you are having difficulty after miscarriage as a sign of your capacity to love. You were able to fall completely in love with someone that you were never able to meet- how incredible is that! Your capacity to love is limitless. Yet when the love you felt for that child you lost is turned back in on yourself and twisted into self-hatred and blame- the love gets lost. Try to focus on the love you felt for that little life and allow yourself to feel that love in return for yourself.
Remember there is no such thing as a problem-free life for anyone. We all have our struggles and challenges. We are all afraid and insecure at times. Our strength lies in our willingness live through the tough times in life without allowing these times to harden us. When we can focus on the love we have for ourselves and others, we can get through anything.

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