Sharing Our Stories

Some of you may know that I am in the process of writing a book about miscarriage which has been a wonderful and challenging endeavor for me. It has been tremendously healing for me to tell my story in the hopes of helping others. In hearing from other women who have experienced miscarriage, I am learning that we all have our own compelling story. Part of the deep pain of losing a baby is the loneliness and isolation so many of us feel. Yet there seem to be so many common elements in our shared experiences.

So many of us have experienced those closest to us often feeling awkward about how to comfort us in our sorrow. Many end up saying nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing, which leaves us unfortunately feeling like they don't care or are oblivious to our loss. Other brave souls who do decide to broach the subject with us may indeed say something unintentionally hurtful. We all feel tremendously vulnerable after miscarriage, so a comment that may normally roll off our backs in better times, may feel like a knife wound during times of sorrow. By sharing these experiences with each other, we learn that we are not as alone as we feared, and we can learn more effective ways of handling our common struggles.

Many women have shared the common experience of having a hard time going to baby showers after their miscarriages. I felt the same way after my miscarriages, but felt I must be the only one who felt this way and was deeply ashamed of my feelings. Every baby shower invitation I received would cause an intense internal struggle. Of course I was happy for the expectant couple, but how I longed for the same joy that they were experiencing! I would try to picture myself at the shower, and the mere thought of that would produce tremendous anxiety and sorrow. The thought of going shopping into an actual baby store and picking out a gift for yet another baby that was not my own felt like enough to send me over the edge. I feared that if I attended, I would end up sobbing uncontrollably, reveal to the rest of the world that I was indeed the crazy woman I felt like inside and ruin the mother-to-be's happy day. In light of all of that, I learned to politely decline these invitations during my intense grief.

The baby shower struggle is just one of many common dilemmas for so many of us after miscarriage. Not feeling safe to talk about these struggles can make me us feel even more alone and isolated. In my thoughts, I would chastise myself for being "selfish" and not being able to get out of my own way to celebrate someone else's good fortune. That kind of criticism of ourselves is so common yet so cruel and unjustified.

Healing comes when we learn to be honest about our feelings and refuse to judge ourselves so harshly. When we validate our feelings, we see that it is completely understandable that baby showers would be difficult for us. There is nothing selfish about being in touch with our feelings and taking care of ourselves accordingly. Through sharing our stories with each other, we learn to understand that we are not alone in our feelings and experiences. This mutual sharing helps us treat ourselves and each other more compassionately.


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