Secrets of Successful Couples

The weeks and months after miscarriage or any significant loss can feel like living in a fog of grief. Understanding the stages of grief can help you be more compassionate to yourself during this time. You may feel numb- like you are just going through the motions, or sad and continuously tearful or even rageful and angry. You may feel disconnected and distant from your partner. Part of the healing process necessitates that you feel and release extremely negative emotions- this process is never easy for those closest to you. Patience and compassion for each other are essential to help you get through any turbulent time in life together successfully. Here are some tips I've learned from my own experience and in my work with others:

• Take care of yourself first. This may sound selfish, but you can not take care of someone else until you have figured out what you want and need for yourself. No one can figure out what you need except you. We each have our own jobs in every relationship. Your job is figuring out what you want and need and your partner's job is figuring out what they want and need. So much time and energy is wasted on trying to figure out how to make other people happy when this energy could be spent on making ourselves happy. When you are happy and fulfilled, you are a joy to be around and your unique gift of giving to others will flow naturally from you. Sitting around waiting for another person to make us happy is also such a waste of time. Recognizing that you are responsible for your own happiness is the greatest gift you can give to yourself and your partner.

• Get Support. Understand that you have been through a traumatic event and honor your need to work through some very difficult emotions. Everything you are feeling is justified- no matter how strange or selfish it may feel. Talking about and working through the tough emotions is never easy but it is the path to healing. When you do the heavy work of dealing with your deepest, darkest emotions- you will gain strength and self-awareness from your experience. Take advantage of one of the support groups I facilitate, or the one-on-one sessions I offer. I also offer sessions to couples. If you feel like your partner needs help but is refusing- get help on your own. When just one member of a couple grows and makes positive changes, the dynamic of the couple as a whole is transformed.

• Turn towards your partner. My favorite book on strengthening relationships is "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman, Ph.D and Nan Silver. It's a wonderful book based on Dr. Gottman's years of research on what makes some marriages thrive while others don't. He can predict with 91% accuracy which couples will divorce and which ones will stay together just by observing them argue for five minutes. This book helped me so much in improving my own marriage and has allowed me to help other couples to strengthen their relationships. I was grateful to learn from Dr. Gottman that happy couples do indeed argue! The book is filled with many wonderful tips on improving your relationship. One of my favorites is "turn toward each other instead of away". It's all about adopting a "we against others" approach and remembering you are on the same team.
  Miscarriage is such a lonely, scary time that feeling able to turn towards your partner and feel safe and secure is such a help. If you don't feel able to do this, it does not mean that you are in a bad relationship or that your partner is unfeeling. Learning as much as you can about yourself, and learning ways to find strength from your experience, will help. Treat yourself and your partner with as much love and compassion as you can. Every relationship faces unique challenges and enduring the stressful experiences together will help you learn so much about each other. It will also help you embrace the calm, happy times in your relationship with a newfound gratitude.
  
  References:
  John M. Gottman & Nan Silver , The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999).

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