Holding on to Anger?

Many of us have been conditioned since childhood to believe that anger is bad. Women especially are expected to keep the peace in our homes and our relationships and we often feel guilty or ashamed when we feel angry. Yet being honest about our anger and being able to feel it and release it is crucial to our happiness and well-being.

There's a Buddhist expression which states, "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

I love this quote because it really captures the idea that when you get stuck in anger the person you are hurting the most is you. Here are some tips to try the next time anger rears its ugly head:

1) Acknowledge your feelings.
Try not be afraid of your anger. Anger is an important indicator that something has happened that feels extremely unfair or that is touching upon an old fear or deep emotional wound. Anger can also be an important motivator to make necessary changes in your life. Anger gets your attention and is your body's way of saying, "What just happened is pretty important! Do not ignore me!"

2) Figure out what happened to make you feel angry.
Pinpoint exactly when and why you started to feel angry. Is it triggering any old wounds from your past? When you feel emotions such as outrage or disgust with another person, try to take a look at why you are reacting this way. What is it about this person or situation that is angering you and what does it reveal about you? Take your angry feelings as a signal to dig deeper and learn more about yourself and what motivates you.

3) Remember the best four letter word when you feel rageful.
I learned this from Nancy Samalin, a parenting expert, who I really admire. Nancy teaches that the best four letter word to use when you feel about to explode is: EXIT. It is also best to state your feelings, "I'm feeling really angry right now and I need some time alone to calm down before I say or do anything else", and exit the situation. I love this approach because it allows you to state how you are feeling (angry), and you ask for what you need (time and space). It also acknowledges the truth that you will not remain angry forever and you will be able to work on the issue more effectively when you have worked through your anger and returned to a calmer state.

4) Forgive, Forgive, Forgive.
When you treat yourself and others compassionately by accepting that it is okay to get angry and make mistakes, you will be able to express and release your feelings, and communicate your needs more openly. When you become skilled at forgiving yourself and others with ease, you give yourself and others a tremendous gift.

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